I gave a fake eulogy at my grandmother's funeral and I have never told a single person
She died three years ago. I was 26 and the oldest grandchild, the one who'd spent the most time with her growing up which is true in a logistical sense since my mom worked two jobs, my grandmother lived four blocks away, I was at her house every day after school from age 7 to 14.
So when she died everyone assumed I would speak. My aunt called me the day after and said you'll do the eulogy right and it wasn't really a question. I said yes.
The thing is she wasn't kind to me. I don't want to say more than that because she is dead and because some of my family reads things online and because I'm not even sure I want to relitigate it here. But she wasn't kind to me, specifically in ways that the rest of the family either didn't see or chose not to see and the years I spent at her house after school were not the warm memory everyone at that funeral assumed they were when they looked at me standing at the podium.
I stood up there and I told a story about her teaching me how to make pierogi. That part was real she did teach me. Then I told a story about her sitting with me when I had the flu in fifth grade. That part I made up then I read a poem I'd printed off a website that I think was called like "grandmother light eternal" or something I genuinely cannot remember and I said it had been her favorite. I don't know if she even liked poetry.
The whole eulogy was about eight minutes long and throughout I cried twice. The crying was real but it wasn't for the reasons people thought. My uncle hugged me afterward and said she would have loved that, kiddo. My mother told me I did her proud. I've thought about this every week for some time now. I think about it when I see pierogi at the grocery store. I think about it whenever someone uses the phrase she's in a better place. I thought about it last night while i was playing rollingriches for no reason at all and that's why I'm writing this to strangers.
I don't think I did the wrong thing. I think I did the thing that the room needed but I also know I lied at a funeral and I never told my mother and I never told my therapist and now I've told you. I don't know what I want from this post. I'm not asking for forgiveness I just needed it to exist somewhere outside my own head.