Struggling with feeling proud of being a lesbian
Hi everyone, first post here, I've recently joined this sub and it's been such a breath of fresh air. I've come out quite recently, around December of this year.
I always knew I was a lesbian since I was a pre teen but Due to growing up in a very homophobic/ mysoginistic context where I quite literally knew no lesbian women or spots and I was treated as disgusting and predatory both by my peers and family members I convinced myself of ALSO being attracted to men despite having no interest in them whatsoever emotionally or physically.
Recently (2 weeks ago) I also closed things off with a girl That basically led me on for months on end, Definetely lesbian and attracted to me but so deep in her internalized homophobia that she would refuse to call us anything but friends.... Last thing I told her was that she was pathetic for not admitting it to herself. no clue how I did so without cryiing.
I am feeling very lonely due to the fact that My closest lesbian friends (not that they are very many, 4 in total) are mostly busy and unavailable lately, so I've been feeling very emptied out, and angry about my lesbianism... It's pride month and nearly NOTHING is cathered to lesbians over here. I keep thinking I wish I were a man and that the lesbian experience is lonely, humiliating and angering.
I've noticed SO MUCH how different people treat me the past few months. Many Bi/ Pan women sexualize me a lot as soon as They learn I'm a lesbian, they expect me to act like a fucking man and sexualize them. I hate that One day from another I became the perceived "validator" to other women. Fuck that shit . Some weeks ago I was flirting with this bi girl, when all of a sudden she goes "You can kiss me and grab me whenever you want btw!". Like....you're drunk, I wanted to get to know you, not treat you like an object...wtf?!. I'm gonna go to a dyke march abroad this month hoping to meet other lesbians and actually try to have fun, since this fuckass city's events only cather to Gay men and people that identify as queer aka insufferable straggots.
So, my question to lesbians in this is: what helped you accept yourself better? is there any book, or author, or "philosophy" so to say that aided in the breaking down of your internalized homophobia and general disdain of others due to realizing hoe everpresent Lesbophobia is? I would greatly appreciate hearing similar stories or discussions on your own experiences, it would help me so much