u/Addicted_Butters

My situation is basically exactly as the title states. I have posted this on another sub with another/similar title, except this one is a little more detailed and I apologize, if the warning is not accurate.

So I have never been particularly interested in having/being in a romantic relationship, even during my first relationship, I saw it more as a more affectionate friendship than anything else. It also didn't help that I've had social anxiety ever since I was a kid and always struggled to make and maintain friendships even up until now.

I started therapy about eight years ago and have been getting better at most things. I have a larger friend group and can actually venture outside without almost crying just because I have to buy a bus ticket lol. However, the one thing I've never been able to fix is my inability to actually view somebody in a romantic or sexual light.

The confusing part is that I love Love. I love romance books, moves, songs, you name it! But as soon as somebody shows interest in me, I immediately feel disgusted and uncomfortable. Not with the person itself, but it's more so as if there is something crawling on you, that you want to shake off. Whenever my parents or friends mention a future scenario with me and a partner, I genuinely feel uncomfortable.

Normally, I'd try to just go about my life normally. I like the idea of a relationship, but I don't "need" it at all. However, I've been getting to know a friend of one of my guy friends, who has clearly stated his interest in me and the thing is: he's basically what I'd argue is what almost every girl would want in a guy. He's extremely respectful, patient, humorous, confident, works out, has a plan for the future and knows what he wants. He's also from an upper middle class/wealthy family, which is something my grandparents have urged me to consider as well. He's also not bad looking, probably the type of many girls, but for some reason chose me, despite us never actually talking before.

Although I have explained that I am NOT a romantic person at all, he remains VERY flirty at times and compliments me very frequently. Which is something I should be into, but although I feel flattered, whenever he does I either feel nothing or weirdly scared (?). I want to preface that he asked me beforehand if I'd mind and I said I wouldn't, because I somehow hoped my brain would come around, as stupid as that now may sound. I'm saying this because he's really not a bad person, this is all on me.

Recently we were joking around and it got a more inappropriate, because I do still have the sense of humor of a prepubescent boy at times, but then he started flirting again, and my brain just went in to full blown panic mode. Nothing happened of course, we just moved on from that topic, but it just reiterated the fact that any romantic and especially sexual inuendos make me feel extremely nauseous, no matter the circumstances.

I want to be more open, I really do and I really want to get to know him, because he genuinely seems like great guy, even if he's extremely intense/passionate (?). But I don't know if I can, I don't know if I can ever actually love someone. He said he would also be happy simply being friends, as long as we got to know each other first, but he still flirts with me as stated above. It just doesn't feel fair for him to put so much effort into getting to know me/flirting, despite me telling him there is a large chance we won't be together, because I hate to waste his time. This whole ordeal has become very draining over the last two years because everyone is always talking about their relationships and experiences and I have only ever kissed my friends as a joke and one guy friend as a dare (can confirm, it did absolutely nothing, I actually felt kind of gross afterwards. Not because of him.).

Funny enough, I don't mind kissing my female friends. I'm pretty sure, if I were a guy, I'd marry one of my girl friends in heartbeat, even if I don't think I feel romantically/sexually attracted to her. So why can't I like somebody that actually likes me like that? I'd love to know somebody like him like that, but my head won't cooperate. I want to have those experiences that everyone else is talking about, but especially things of sexual nature freak me out to the point I feel ill.

I used to think that this aversion was due to something that happened to me when I was younger, although I do not want to go into what exactly, because I think the implication speaks for itself. However, as I have been in therapy for so long and have (mostly) tried to move on from the memory, so still feeling disgusted, especially because it's apparently more male focussed (?).

Does somebody have any similar experiences or advice on how I can fix this?

Tl;Dr: I feel disgusted whenever there is a chance for romantic or sexual interaction, despite wanting to experience the things people of my age group do.