I’ve been calculating eye contact since I was 14 and I just found out that might mean something.
Since I was 14, I’ve been hyper-aware of eye contact. How long to hold it, when to look away, and if I held it too long I’d genuinely hate myself for it. I asked family, friends, did endless research — and eventually went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with OCD.
But yesterday I stumbled on a blog saying this is actually a very common trait in autistic people. And something clicked.
Other things about me that I never connected until now:
When I’m drawing, I can go 5 to 8 hours completely lost in it. Don’t talk to me. Seriously — if someone interrupts me mid-flow I get genuinely angry, not just mildly annoyed.
Sound sensitivity is real for me. During exams, if someone nearby reads their questions slightly out loud, I’m done. I literally cannot function.
I also have a pattern of hurting people with what I say without realizing it. Every time someone tells me, I’m genuinely shocked. I had no idea.
And I’ve always felt like I don’t quite fit in — not just now, not just in one place, but consistently, everywhere, my whole life.
Is this just my imagination running wild? I don’t know. I just needed to say it out loud and hear from people who might relate. Be kind please 🤍