u/Additional-Phase-723

Going to keep this as short as I can met my tf 5 years ago I kept pushing him away not knowing what was going on why I felt so intense spiritual awakening blah blah anyway I pushed him away and tried to contact him a few times in the years but I was ignored he was with the K. Spent five years no contact trying to heal but you know the wave just comes back I’m extremely awake with visions in tune with energy as it is so with a twin flame in the mix being very connected to him has been so painful and I feel cursed during the five years no contact I used to see him absolutely everywhere one day I was so sick of it I drove two hours from home to a massive Forrest to walk the dogs just to get away from being haunted and who do I see in the middle of the woods him and her , anyway I went through so much grief and pain multiple spiritual awakenings I’m grateful for that as I wouldn’t be who I am today I questions so many times do I have ocd is this a mental illness as I just couldn’t shift him from me . Just as I stopped obsessing over him he came back he told me he loved me he told me he used to wake up 3am every night after dreaming about me turn over see her and wish it was me I to went through months of dark night of the soul waking up from dreams with him at the same time . Anyway he was hot and cold I thought I finally hit union , I gave him space then he accidentally sent a food order to my house twice then. A pack of comdoms . He was back with her after telling me they was toxic on and of I then took the buns out one night and he drive past with a girl in his car and I lost it send loads of voice notes he blocked me whatever that was a year ago since then I feel I have wasted so many years of my fkin life over this shit but I can’t get rid of this internal grief and pain I feel I’m constantly being haunted and punished by the universe I deleted all social media a year ago left no door open. Trying to heal again . Today is his birthday last night I had a vision of her being pregnant I actually predicted this 4 years ago and wrote it in my notes . I woke up I reactivated fb and I syped and behold yesterday it was confirmed all over Facebook her with her bump with his mum and sisters I’m devastated. How is this fair I’m going to truma counselling finally gave in and went on antidepressants because of all this pain how is this fair I wish I could go somewhere for them to erase my memory because I honestly can’t do this no more . At the same time I knew this was going to happen and I know it’s going to awaken him and his heart charka. But I’m done with this journey I don’t even want him anymore in the 3d I hate this world I just want it to stop no matter what I do and plz believe I try so hard to focus on myself and my own journey but the waves still come .
I’m devastated.

I'm going to tell my story as short as I can..
5 years ago I found a cut up driving license in my garden I posted it online to see if anyone knew who it was it got me talking to I a boy I was 28 he was 23 I had never interacted with someone younger than me we was in lock down I met him I didn't feel instant connection but then it came I didn't know what was happening /spiritual awakening he started calling me a witch saying he had dreams but never told me what they was.. I pushed and pulled him away until I pushed him away for good. I would be doing ok then it would hit me like a wave again the dreams I would have I have always astral travelled and used to meet him in another dimension I went through dark nights of the soul waking up at 3am soul shock grief my cat died aswell I was in such a bad place I started googling what was going on and it led me down the twin flame path it's the only explanation.. Everywhere I went I'd see him and it haunted me is stop going out one day I drove a hour away to walk the dogs and I knew I would see him in the middle of a massive wood there he was with what I call his karmic I tried to contact him multiple times and was ignored so I started to heal thinking its the only way to union. It took me five years and just as I got to the point of stop thinking about him he came back he unblocked me. Same situation something a trades man left at my house I posted online he worked in that trade and everyone tagged him I knew deep down this was a door. Anyway started talking he came round he said he thinks he loves me. He told me he used to wake up at 3am after dreaming about me and turning over seeing her wishing it was me all this love bomb shit then he would go cold. He was taking drugs I gave him space he accidently sent food orders to my house for two twice then a pack of condoms so it was clear what was going on I then took my bins out one night he drive past with a girl in his truck after seeing me 3 days prior and ignoring me. I sat there telling myself not to react to say nothing but it took over and I went in! Like deep soul shit I can't even remember what I said but he deleted all his social for two days he's never done than and of course blocked me everywhere but never on Facebook he leaves a door open welli deleted my facebook that day and haven't been back I have alt account that I spy time to time. I know I shouldn't anyway then one of my dogs died tragedy on the way back from the vets I drove past him I feel like I'm tortured with him I can only go so far I beg god on my knees to remove him from my soul I can't escape it I Dont even want him anymore he said his relationship with her was toxic and on and off but he's gone back to her yesterday someone posted a photo in a garden and he's with her so they are still together.
And I'm here depressed had to go on medications
Attending a mental health app today how is this fair just for loving someone divinely.? So many times I ask myself is this just ocd am I mentaly I'll like what the f is going on I wish I could move country I feel I wasted so many years on him now in grief my daughters nearly 10 spent the whole time in survival mode and in at the point if he came back and told me everything I wanted to hear I couldn't do it again I nearly took my life I have to choose myself I just wish I would stop being tormented.
It's been a year to date since I last see him I haven't met anyone dated or been intimate I have no desire I feel he used me he was heartbroken in a breakup with her and ran to me. And used to me.