u/Admirable_Tour_5834

Well he finally did it. She kept pushing for a "discussion" on how she wants the next visit to go. How upset she was with us for moving her things and how she was in charge (after she asked us to move her things and how we did exactly what she asked.) she was upset with him for throwing away a box of open sand that was leaking. She expected us to measure it out into mason jars. A 50lb box of sand. She was also upset because of the boxes that were stored above her head, at the height they were previously stored in. That this is her life and how she wants to run things is how it needs to go. So he told her that the next visit we would be getting an air BNB so we could focus more on spending quality time with her. That we would not be spending the entirety of the visit reorganizing her hoard and fighting with her. If she would like to keep her living environment the way it is we respect that, but we will not be contributing to enabling her unhealthy living situation. We would not be arguing with her over her medical care and that if she believes she is fully capable of organizing things then she can retain control. He told her he wanted to instead focus on spending quality time with her while she's still with us. She didn't like that at all and started to argue with him how she needs his help. He told her he was not going to spend visits fighting over her living conditions and that we would not be subjecting ourselves to the same. She has more than enough income to hire help as she sees fit. That he wasn't going to subject himself physically and emotionally to the conditions she chooses to exist in. If she wants to keep a relationship with him this is it. She said she needed time to think about her answer and they ended the conversation.

He was decompressing from their discussion and I told him how her answer defines how she sees him. If she decides to pull the plug on their contact because of this, it shows him she only sees him as a dispensable asset to do what she wants and that she was never interested in genuine quality time with him. He realized that the minute she started arguing with him.

Overall, I feel relieved he finally had the talk with her. But my heart also breaks because my husband is realizing he's never had a parental relationship with her.

It's just sad all around. But we refuse to continue to fight her on her situation. The state has stepped in and that's pretty much as much as we can handle.

It's been slow going. Mostly just a waiting game for her to start canceling the appointments & help we scheduled for her and we are calling APS. but with that also comes breaking it to my son that he will not be meeting MIL. I could have handled the hoarding & having her visit him in a different location. I could have handled the crazy and just not letting him be alone with her. But after what I witnessed on our first visit (see my first post) she will never be allowed any more pictures of him, let alone getting to meet him or touch him. I have a history of CSA and while she has openly talked about her own, I'm not taking chances on her continuing the cycle with my child & my husband & I have talked extensively about how she will have zero involvement with him.

She's completely iced me out in the meantime and I'm thankful for the silence. Now she isn't so eager to ask me for help because I set things up for her she can't back out of without consequences. We did sit down with our 10yo and explained the gist of it. She's very sick. She needs more care than we can provide. And he goes "so, y'all are like a level 2 care and she needs a level 8?" Exactly kid. Exactly.

I do think children understand more than we give them credit for. I'm just sad we couldn't give him the big family we both always wanted. I'm happy he gets to experience grandparents & cousins with his dad's side & my mom's over the summers. It just makes my shoulders droop a little more when I have to watch it through videos & pictures. It's an entire half of his life that will always be separate from us. He calls us "the calm down house." It's the home he knows he always can go to find peace. Which was our goal all along I guess. We both grew up in such a state of chaos & turmoil. We didn't want that for our children. I just wish choosing peace was a little less painful.

Lady your face is bruised from lack of oxygen. You can't walk across your own home without sitting on the floor. You are constantly a fall risk. I'm desperately trying to help you like you ASKED and now I am getting blown off repeatedly that it's "not important" "they just want money" "I don't need to see a doctor for anything. They just need to refill my meds." That's exactly what I did. I got the information she asked for. Even said we would look for a different PCP. and my husband was told "Op is just taking this too seriously. She's too intense."

I know we have to try to push her to take care of herself so we have evidence when we go to court and can have her placed in a home. But I unfortunately lost it at my husband last night. Instead of him telling her, he just sent her a screenshot of what he said. So now I'm the one over exaggerating. Because I told her she could make a telehealth appointment for next week. She will run out of meds when we get back. She can't wait until then. She will be out when we get there and it takes 2 weeks to get an appointment.

I'm finding very quickly my fuse is very short. I know she's sick. I know she's not right in the head. But the dismissive behavior is beyond infuriating and I don't know how much longer I can hold myself around her