I have had issues trusting people for quite a long time now. Nowadays it feels like this feeling has heightened. I cannot trust anyone at all. I am currently going through a depressive episode and I cannot confide in anyone about this because i do not trust even one person. I have also stopped therapy because of personal reasons. So i just feel like I can fall back on to nobody. This feeling is killing me inside.
I hate when anger consumes my mind. It genuinely makes me a different person and afterwards I feel so childish and immature. I currently have 2 fps and both have done similar things which have completely wrecked my mental health. They are both my friends from uni. Both of them do not know about them being my fp but they do know about my bpd. I was reluctant to label them as my fp but considering how much they affect me i will label them as such. One of them some months ago started hanging out with another person a lot more than usual. I felt blind sided and even after communicating that it did not seem to change anything. I started turning passive aggressive and there came a point where there was a huge fight. I explained that I didnt wish to have the same friendship continuing forwards and I needed space. Fast forward to last month. She apologized and mentioned she didnt want to lose me. So we kind of resolved that. Now my other fp has recently become really close with another friend from our friend group. I didnt mind it much at first but it started to tick me off a lot when he started spending 90% of the time with that friend. Our friend group went on a trip recently and they were literally just conversing with each other for more than half of the times. Making jokes which only they understood and talking in a low voice about stuff. I know for a fact they aren't dating. It felt like they were on a trip together rather than the whole group. On the last day when I had reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore I just left the room and said i was going to sleep suddenly. Obviously they understood that I got pissed. They did try to convince me to come back and what not but I was stubborn. What pissed me off more was that my fp even if he knows everything and how i felt about my other fp doing similar things did the same thing as she did. Instead of being at least a bit apologetic I felt that he was pissed I was doing this. While the friend he recently got close to was actually apologetic. I feel like I have been replaced and I have gotten completely insecure about myself. My self esteem which was already low enough dropped even further. To the point that I now think I am so boring and ugly that I am easily replaceable. I have started feeling its better that I start staying alone rather than make any new friends or continue being friends with this people. I feel like running away from my uni and going somewhere else where no one knows me. I no longer wish to be friends with the fp and I am thinking of ignoring him or more like setting much more boundaries which I usually establish with my casual friends. I am really angry and depressed at the same time. I genuinely have 0 idea what to do. I do not wish to communicate because i dont want to hear that there is nothing he can do about it. Plus I dont think he will even think there was any issue from his side but I am unsure. Whatever it is I just do not think I want to communicate with him and instead distance myself from him now. Though I am still unsure of what to do in this situation.