What to do with feelings for my friend?
First time posting here, but I've enjoyed reading all of the threads and advice, and thought it was time I ask for some advice myself.
I am a 36 year old guy who just last year came out as bi. And along the way through therapy and research, also realized I am somewhere on the bigender/non-binary spectrum, which explained a lot about my life and why I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere growing up, with guys or with girls. My closest friends were always girls. And because of this, most people assumed I was gay. Being in a small town, dealing with bullying, fear of rejection from family and not having a support system, I felt it was safer at the time to just deny it and fight every part of myself that presented too feminine. Truth was, I had known my entire life that I was not straight, but also knew I wasn't just gay either. And at the time, I didn't understand being bi, let alone how to explain it to family who then made me feel like it would be the end of the world if I were gay. During the teenage years and into college, I had two serious relationships, both with girls. The first was someone I considered my best friend that developed into more. We were able to explore things together. I never expressed to her that I was also attracted to guys, or that I ever questioned my gender. But she was safe to have fun with and sometimes would put makeup on me and lingerie. I enjoyed it, we were young and having fun. We eventually split because she cheated on me with her ex, but to deny that, she just told everyone I was gay, which made the bullying and rumors much worse. So, again, for safety I denied everything. Second relationship was not nearly as dramatic, but it ended due to long distance. And being honest, because of the trauma and betrayal of the first relationship, I was not emotionally invested. As I went through college, I just blocked everything personal out. Made friends, again mostly girls, but never pursued anything more than friendship, but also never let anyone truly get close to me. I kept a guard up to protect myself from getting hurt. And that guard and solid walls stayed up for nearly two decades until recently.
Over that time alone, I knew I was bi, that my attraction leaned more towards men, that I also was extremely feminine and still some days mentally felt like I was a woman, but also still felt like a man most times. I just sort of told myself I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I always hoped that if the right person for me came along, man or woman, I'd know.
And then someone entered my life unexpectedly. For the first time in my life I met a guy that I got along with immediately. We just clicked. My first reaction was thinking he had the most gorgeous eyes and he was everything I've ever been attracted to in a guy. And as we started spending time around each other, I started recognizing things in him that seemed familiar. The way he spoke, the mannerisms, the expressions, the way he was looking at me... And the way I was with him. I suspected he might be not be straight either. In fact several friends also thought the same thing. And then we began what felt like flirting with each other. Making little comments about each other's body, little jokes here and there about sharing pictures, etc. We got close and after a day together working in the rain, I pulled him in and hugged him, thanking him for everything he'd helped me with. He held me tight telling me he was here for me.
That moment felt romantic to me. I didn't act on it in the moment because I was still not sure if I was reading everything wrong with him. This was all new to me getting close with a guy. I confided in a friend, my first time coming out to anyone. She was incredibly supportive, had watched what was happening and saw everything the same way. I finally just asked him a few days later. What are we doing? Are we flirting? I don't want to read this wrong and kiss you and it ruin our friendship if we're not on the same page. He froze. He stumbled through telling me that he is bi, but barely considers himself bi because his type is only a femme passing man. It was awkward. We both stuttered and just quickly left. I was crushed, confused and embarrassed. I apologized to him if I ambushed him, he assured me I did not and he sensed what was happening and knew I wasn't straight and didn't matter to him. We agreed at the time to focus on being friends. I knew in the moment if I told him I have and still could be a femme passing man, that I have questioned my gender, that he might not believe me. That he might see it as me just trying to play with him. So I didn't tell him then.
I expected things would be awkward indefinitely and he'd distance himself from the guy he knew had a crush on him. He did the opposite. We've grown so much closer over the last seven months. I've explained to him my sexuality struggles and the betrayal of past relationships, he's explained how he always thought he was straight until he felt safe when he met someone who was trans, and that made him realize he also was attracted to trans women, femme passing men and crossdressing men. I eventually told him about my gender questioning and he was incredibly supportive of me and encouraging me to express myself however I feel like is me.
We've talked about sex. For him, he said it sometimes can be just a physical connection if both people are in agreement. He wasn't directly saying he was opening that door with me, but I did wonder. I admitted that for me, I've always been very emotionally driven and can't be intimate unless I have an emotional connection with someone and I feel that I can trust them. He said ultimately that is what we wants too. But again, didn't say he wants it with me.
We've grown significantly closer, spent a lot of time getting to know each other, hug often, touch each other's faces without being awkward, have said the words "I love you" but nothing has crossed the line from friends officially. He has however twice shown me pictures of his naked butt for random reasons. Which I compliment, but try to not to push things too far.
I know without a doubt I've found the best friend I've ever known, and I'm so terrified of ruining that if I admit the truth. I have fallen in love with him. He's wonderful, so kind, gentle and insanely beautiful. But I can't shake the feeling that he's fighting his feelings and his sexuality still. And he is younger than me. He's mentioned trying to be straight coded, trying to hide his emotions, but still gets vulnerable with me sometimes. I gave him a sweet note at Christmas about how I cherished our friendship and all the joy he's brought into my life. He teared up and said he felt the same.
There's a part of me that thinks he's struggling with the fact that I'm primarily a guy... a very feminine/gay leaning bi guy. That's just speculation on my part. Or maybe he just doesn't find me attractive, but he has complimented me before telling me I look great. I've done the same to him. I just can't get a definite read on what he's feeling. And I'm terrified if I ask him, or tell him how I feel, he's going to panic and freeze again, and this time he might shut me out completely. And I don't want to lose him.
It's only more confusing because since openly coming out to friends and family, even though some were hesitant at first, everyone has met me with so much love and support. Most telling me they knew my entire life and were just waiting on me to accept it and talk about it. That was reassuring, but also heartbreaking for younger me who lived in such fear of being rejected. Because people saw this in me, because they see it in him, most people do assume now and ask questions around town if he and I are dating. Because being completely honest, that is the vibe we give off to people. And I would love for it to be true. I just tell people he's my best friend because that is also the truth.
I just don't want him to ever feel like I am pressuring him to see me as more than a friend. I can't make him love me in that way if he's not there. But also, hiding my feelings from him is agonizing when I'm bursting at the seams with so much love ready to just tell him... I think you're the one I have always been meant to find. Everything about the way we met, connected, have so much in common... It all feels like fate.
He did admit to me once that when he moved to a small town, he never thought he'd meet anyone like me and that he thinks I'm amazing and he appreciates me so much.
So I stay torn between holding my feelings and being patient to let this grow slow burn style and risk him finding someone else... Or just telling him and risking losing our friendship. I guess in my mind, I think... I told him then I wanted to kiss him, we've joked about that a couple of times, so... He knows how I felt, so if he wanted this to be more, he'd make a move. But then I think, what if he's waiting on me to make another? What if he's just as scared and confused as me?
I would appreciate any advice from people who may have similar experiences or perspectives similar to mine and his. This is new for me. And I think in some ways it's also new for him. And given the fact we both have anxiety and ADHD, it's even more confusing.
Thanks to anyone reading. ❤️