22, moved countries for my marriage, and I feel emotionally destroyed
I’m 22f, American, and I moved to Germany for my husband. He’s 31. We met when I was 18, started dating when I was 19, and we’ve been married almost 2 years now.
I don’t even know where to start honestly because I feel completely mentally exhausted and burnt out as a person.
I feel like I’ve spent the last few years in survival mode nonstop and somewhere along the way I stopped feeling like myself entirely with no one around me to help or listen or give me any direction to move forward.
Back in America, while my parents were divorcing, EVERYTHING got dumped onto me emotionally. Both of them came to me to vent, ask for advice, cry to me, complain to me, all while I was already drowning myself. My little brother was only 11 and struggling really badly too. There were nights I stayed awake with him because he would panic and spiral and I couldn’t leave him alone like that.
At the same time I was working insane hours, sometimes 6 AM to 1 AM, then coming home trying to take care of my brother, trying to keep myself from completely falling apart mentally, trying to learn German, trying to prepare immigration paperwork to move COUNTRIES for somebody, trying to maintain a relationship, and somehow trying to sleep in between all of that.
I was actively breaking down physically and mentally during this period. My suicidal thoughts were horrible. I got diagnosed with PTSD. I was having panic attacks constantly. My body literally started shutting down from stress and exhaustion and I STILL kept forcing myself forward because I thought eventually everything would finally calm down once I got to Germany and we could finally build our life together. But through all of that, I felt alone. And I think that’s the part I can’t get over.
I kept waiting for support that never really came. I kept waiting for him to look at me and realize I physically and mentally could not keep carrying everything by myself anymore. Instead, while I was overworking myself into complete collapse trying to move across the world for him, most of the time he was just playing video games. And somehow I STILL pushed myself through German classes and passed my A1 exam while being so burnt out I couldn’t even finish over half the coursework.
Then I finally moved to Germany and honestly the first month felt okay. We cooked together, cleaned together, spent time together, and I genuinely thought maybe everything I survived to get here had finally been worth it.
Then I had a major emergency surgery about a month after arriving.
I was supposed to be in the hospital for 2 days and ended up there for 6 because there were complications. I was bleeding through my stitches, my body was rejecting medications, I couldn’t keep liquids down, I could barely even sit up without almost passing out. While I was in the hospital, I asked him for ONE thing. Just build the bed while I’m here so I don’t have to recover getting up off the floor. By day 4, after we already knew I was stuck there longer than expected, he came into my hospital room while I could barely even keep my eyes open and asked me, “Should I still build the bed?” And I don’t know. Something in me broke right there. Because it stopped being about the bed. It was the realization that even during one of the worst moments of my life, I still felt completely alone.
After surgery, I had to inject shots into my legs at home and he barely helped me with them. My body reacted horribly to those medications too. Most of the time he was just on video games for hours while I was trying to recover physically and mentally.
Then over time he stopped helping around the apartment consistently too. If I didn’t cook, nothing got cooked. If I didn’t clean, nothing got cleaned. Eventually I just gave up because I was exhausted beyond words and in pain constantly.
I brought up the black mold situation in the apartment multiple times, especially around October, because I was genuinely concerned about our health and living conditions. I tried communicating calmly so many times about how unsupported and overwhelmed I felt.
Then in December things got even worse.
One night around 11 pm he came into the living room and told me “My sister got beat by her boyfriend,” and immediately left the apartment saying he was going to be with her. The whole time I was worried sick to my stomach because my family had personally dealt with DV and I have personally been a victim of abuse from my childhood. When I messaged him or tried to call, he didn't answer or pick up all night.
The next day when he got home, he told me that he had actually left the house was because he went through and read my private journal before leaving, and he needed to go to his family for advice. And he told everyone without me knowing. I sat at home worried sick all night because I was scared for his sister, and the fact he would even lie about somehting like this threw me off even more. And honestly I think that broke something in me permanently.
Growing up, I constantly had my privacy invaded as a little girl. My journal was one of the ONLY places that ever felt emotionally safe for me. So finding out he read it behind my back already hurt badly enough, but then I found out he told around 8 family members private things I wrote in it about my feelings in the relationship. His mom, dad, sister, brother, sister in law, their 2 kids, and his sister's boyfriend. Then he told me to apologize to THEM at Christmas for what I wrote privately in MY journal.
After that I stopped feeling emotionally safe around him entirely.
I caught him listening through doors while I was on calls with friends and family. He started accusing me of cheating over normal discharge in my underwear after going through my laundry. I constantly felt watched and anxious.
Then there’s the work situation too. He started calling into work constantly. There were months where he missed over half his shifts. He said he was sick, but at the same time he would stay home screaming on video games for hours while refusing to go to the doctor even when I begged him to. He’s now on his 7th job in around 3 years because of calling in and getting let go so much.
And I know this sounds harsh, but I think watching that broke something in me too because I spent YEARS forcing myself to survive impossible amounts of stress just to keep everybody sane. I worked myself into physical collapse trying to care for my family, survive mentally, move countries, maintain relationships, and keep going no matter how badly I was breaking down. Meanwhile it felt like he slowly gave up on himself, stability, responsibility, and eventually us too. Now I just feel exhausted. Completely exhausted. I feel emotionally drained all the time. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. By February everything between us started feeling awkward and heavily and forced. I still care about him deeply as a person which honestly makes this hurt even more, but I feel like I have absolutely nothing left in me anymore.
Now we’re having serious conversations about our marriage and future and I honestly feel terrified because I moved across the world for this relationship. I’m in a foreign country trying to learn a language, trying to become stable, trying to survive emotionally and financially, while also grieving the fact that I don’t think I’m the same person anymore after all of this.
I tried to change and I tried to save us and he didn't care. I ended up distancing myself and isolating and eventually started my own healing process because of this. Now that he finally notices that he has lost me, he is going through what I went through 6 months ago. He told me that I need to try and save us if I want this, and that put even more pressure on me. Why should it only be me? When I think to myself, do I want this? I think the answer I always come to is, no. Every time I start to feel closer to him again and start to feel lighter, I remember everything in the last year and shut down again.
I don’t even know what advice I’m asking for honestly. There is so much more that is going on that I didn't add, things that are making me sick to my stomach when I have to come home. I can't keep playing the "mother role" to everyone in my life.
I think I just needed someone to hear me.