Feeling so lost and confused
It's hard to even type this all out, but I'm really really struggling and I'm not sure what to do.
I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 24. I'm 28 now, he's basically all I've ever known. From the beginning, things were hostile and scary but I never really realized how abnormal it was until recently.
He's a very angry man. he had a rough childhood and has carried anger over that for years. He has violent ideation, but says he would never act on it. he says really alarming things that make my stomach turn, but if I tell him it makes me uncomfortable he says I "don't allow him to have feelings". I want him to have feelings and emotions, of course I do. But expressing them in violent ways really scares me. I don't know if I'm being insensitive for this or not but it really makes me uncomfortable.
I've struggled for the past few years on whether I would call this abuse, but I think I'm finally to that point. Most of the time, he's completely fine. He's sweet, funny, nice, and we have a great time. but anytime there's a stressful situation, or he's had a bad day, it's like a switch is flipped. I feel like I'm constantly monitoring his mood so that I can be prepared for the next blow up.
He's broken so many things over the years in a rage. Doors, pantry, coffee table, walls, phones, garbage cans, etc. The most recent one was him getting mad at me for my family talking politics at a dinner table and embarrassing him, about a month ago. This was the dinner for the one year anniversary of my dad's death. I removed myself from the dinner table because I didn't like the arguing either and invited him to come with me, but he refused. then he berated me in the car and said I just made things worse and I left him in a bad position. It escalated and he was yelling at me at home, I tried to run into my office and close the door to get away, but he busted through it and ended up breaking my door. he hurt my hand a little bit in the process but it wasn't intentional. It was such a traumatic experience and I begged him to just take it easy on me because it was such a hard day for me.
What makes it worse is I was leaving on a girls trip the next day. So I was exhausted, crying, and so anxious going on a trip I was excited about. I begged him to have the door fixed by the time. I came home. but the entire trip he complained to me about how expensive the door was, how much work it was, and how difficult it was. I told him I felt uncomfortable with his complaints since I'm still so anxiety ridden over the situation. and he got mad at that too. I was crying most of my trip so I finally decided to let some friends in on what was going on. I never told anyone anything and it felt so freeing to finally let people in.
Anyway, a month later and the door still isn't fixed. I have to stare at it every single day while I'm working and it makes me incredibly anxious. I haven't mentioned the door in two weeks because I just.... wanted to see if he would fix it without me begging for it. and the answer has made me feel like shit. we are having guests over this weekend, so the door really needs fixed. and im just mentally preparing for him doing it at the last minute, something going wrong, he rages out again, and I have to end up fixing the door. that's what usually happens.
This is just one story of many, but I'm really starting to see things differently now and see that he's wrecked my nervous system. I'm always anxious. always scared. always waiting for the next blow up. always monitoring signs so I can be prepared.
But at the same time, I love him. I love him a lot and most of the time we have so much fun. but... I don't know if it's enough anymore. I'm just really struggling with what to do. I don't know if what he does is normal and I'm just making too big of a deal about it. I really want children and I just want to make sure they are raised in the right environment.
Thank you to anyone who read through my rambling ❤️