5 dates in and I don’t feel anything… normal?
I’m not really sure whether I’m feeling a connection to a guy I’ve been seeing or if this is normal. Bear with me, this isn’t that complicated but I feel like I have a lot to lay out.
TLDR: I (26f) been going out with a guy, we’ll call him Jack (28m), for the past couple weeks. He asked me out early April but we weren’t able to go on our actual first date until a couple weeks ago, so we’ve been “talking” for about a month and a half. We’ve been on five wonderful dates in the last 2.5 weeks but I still can’t tell if I’m actually physically or emotionally attracted to him. I don’t miss him or feel my heart skip a beat when he texts me. I don’t know whether to wait or just end things off sooner rather than later.
I’ve known Jack for around 7 months. We’d only met a couple times through a mutual friend (he lives about an hour outside Philly, where I’m from) but we always had good banter and he makes me laugh (which is important to me and frankly not something most guys I’ve dated are good at). Not really sure if I was attracted to him when we first met but I didn’t think much about it because I was dating/in love with someone, we’ll call him Nick, until I ended things early February. I was pretty heartbroken but knew since January I would end things (we were long distance and I just couldn’t handle it, I waited until I was in person to tell him). Nick and I only dated for 8 months but he was my first for pretty much everything. The only other semi-serious relationship I’ve had was with a guy 15 years older than me, about four years ago (messy, yes, but I ended things with him when I realized how immature he was [yeah obviously lmao]). In both of those relationships, I felt a lot of adrenaline on our first dates and strong physical attraction, a “spark” I guess.
With Jack, we definitely have a lot of fun. Like I said, he makes me laugh, he’s very kind (which I’m not super used to), we have the same music taste, same politics (huge for me especially the past couple years), similar careers and interests… But 5 dates in and I don’t really miss him, I don’t feel a rush when he texts me, I feel excited before our dates but struggle to tell if I’m physically attracted to him. Ive loved our dates, we have fun and we seem to have plenty to talk about. It’s just still pretty surface level. I’ve gone on a lot of first dates but always cut things off pretty quickly if I feel instinctively they aren’t the right person for me. With Jack, I’m just not sure yet, which feels odd to me. I also keep telling myself to see where things go because he actually seems like a good, stable guy, which isn’t my forte apparently. He’s not perfect—he doesn’t really seem to open up to me about his feelings, or really ask me about mine, but he’s super physically affectionate, like he’ll kiss me on the head a lot and holds my hand and all that super couple-y stuff. Literally from our second date onward. Maybe I’ve just had shitty relationships but it feels so fast to me and it takes a long time for me to feel that comfortable with someone.
Kinda NSFW: we slept together on the first date which I’ve never done, I’d only been with Nick previously and we hadn’t had sex until I was truly in love. It helped me feel safe after a bad experience in the past (I haven’t mentioned this to Jack). Honestly, Jack and I were pretty drunk at the end of our first date, I don’t think either of us were expecting it to happen and I cut it off pretty fast. Now it feels like Jack expects us to have sex every date, I know I just need to be an adult and tell him I don’t want to but the fact is… with Nick, I DID want to every time we saw each other. I have a high libido but I think I need that feeling of safety and I just don’t have it with Jack yet. I’ve only been able to finish once with Jack, on our fifth date, and I think it’s because it was spontaneous and I wasn’t in my head so much. He’s also “bigger” than Nick so the sensation is different and I’m still figuring it out. I feel kind of dumb for continuing to sleep with him when I’m not really sure if I’m attracted to him because, for me (to each their own but), the whole point of sex is intimacy and connection and I just don’t crave that with Jack yet. Now it feels weird five dates in to tell him I want to stop having sex until I have a deeper emotional connection with him.
I’ve tried talking to him about it a little, I told him it’s hard being with someone new and I put a lot of pressure on myself and it gets in the way of my own pleasure. Not anything he’s doing. This was already hard enough for me to say because I hate talking about my feelings. The problem is… Jack doesn’t seem to want to talk about his, or ask me follow up questions about mine either. After that last part, he just kind of laughed and was like “pressure? Why?” in like a, “don’t be silly, you’re doing a good job” kind of way. But I meant more pressure on myself, not for how I’m performing for him lol. I didn’t say anything in response because it didn’t feel like a true question or conversation prompt.
I’m probably overthinking but I’m just feeling stuck. He’s a really nice guy and I think he could be good for me, but I don’t know if we’re just not a match or if we just need to open up to each other. Is it normal to not really feel anything after a month and a half of talking almost every day and five very fun dates? Even just writing that I can hear the answers but I’m used to these huge rushes of feelings and I’m nervous that since he doesn’t really ask me about my feelings, that this is mostly just physical attraction he has for me instead of him actually wanting to get to know me.
We’re seeing each other again next week and he’s already talked to me about trips we could do. It just all feels so fast when I’m not sure how I feel. It’s not lovebombing or anything, I’ve experienced that too. It just feels like he’s ten steps ahead of me and I don’t know how to slow down without hurting his feelings, or if I should slow down at all.
Help me lol