u/Dearest_Lillith

Lol don't be shy, we're all anonymous so nothing you say will be linked back to who you are irl.

I'll go first. I do this weird cough thing like

(Cough) "I mean...."

(me fumbling with hair trying to regain composure and come up with clever comeback or to put spotlight on them)

And then Ill start spinning into an obsessive period of thinking how I shouldve said things, etc. To get me to actually cough and be put off, though, youd have to hit my specific preferences.

I am F, 31, and adopted from China at 5 months old by white people. A year and a half later my sibling was born.

I come from a family that uses silence and ostrasizing as a weapon and has been an evil root of generational trauma for a long time. Whenever my father was confrontational he overcompensated and was down right mean, in your face with big eyes, using his 6ft build to push you around physically. The idea of a grown ass man having beef with a 6 year old is wild to me. All of them are avoidants to confrontation. Im not shy to it, i prefer transparency, but they dont seem like they appreciate that quality.

Ive been the scapegoat, trouble maker, and black sheep all of my life when living with them. I was ridiculed, screamed at for minor things, and was put on display in front of people to humiliate multiple times. It didnt help that I found an identity with the goth/punk crowd and my parents are very image focused. They wished they were upper class and care about being percieved as good, yet, it felt like they hated me because i was a reflection of their failure to be good people and parents. They took their anger out on me, shamed me over what I wore, and said I was a nightmare when I was a teen. My mom even implied I dressed like a slut.

When I was very young I bullied my sister, pretty sure I learned it from my dad, and in our teens years she bullied me. Into our late 20s Ive tried making it up to her many times. Ive apologized, tried talking to her asking what can I do to make it up? We used to be best friends as kids. I told her im sorry, but to be honest looking back at her behavior, she clearly loved mom and dads validation of her. I was told "Shes smarter than us," by my parents, who place superficial value on people who fall in line with them, have status, are strong independent women, and overall perform well. I only seemed to get validation or admiration from doing art. My sister felt like she could never do it because she couldnt compete, I was put into the pretty/talented box and she was put into the smart box. It was detrimental to our growth. Over time i had to tell her to stop competing with me, to find passions in art and to do it anyway.

Ive visited her when she was in other cities, other states, and she hasn't visited me once. The biasism my parents have for her is noticeable, but they deny it when I bring it up. Im not jealous or envious because shes asexual and struggles making friends. I have my loving fiancé, whom they dislike, and have a future with a loving family. Ive been fighting any desire for validation from my family, even quitting art gifts, and have told my sister they hate disagreements. They love echo chambers and over time she said she agreed there was dysfunction. She has a stronger relationship with them and they give words of affirmation way more often. They visited her way more when being in college. They visited me once, when I was leaving, and it was a short lunch together. I once told her I wished we were closer and she agreed. She dosent call or initiate. She dosent open up about her feelings and ive tried by opening up first, to her, many times. I worry about when they die, who will she go to for validation because she has no one else? Its not fair to me for her to come after they kick the bucket, like a backup plan?

Im in the process of estrangement. I need distance from being in their toxic hierarchy with double standards. God forbid I have any confidence and theyve failed to beat it out of me at a young age to talk back, to be opinionated. My mom pressured me and my sister to be "strong independent women," but always takes a moral high ground to feel superior when youre not being "kind," or doing things correctly. Yet she thrives off drama, gossiping, and enables my father to be a manchild. The contradiction is crazy.

My father will no doubt blame me for the estrangement. "Oh she just wants attention, shes causing drama again, thank God who needs her." We dont talk - ever. He twists stories and narratives and the worst thing about them being gossipers is you cant prove it, you just look like youre a troublemaker for bringing it up. My dad is incredibly petty, too. He has no accountability whatsoever and it sickens me that I was forced to go into therapy, at 6 years old, with him to figure our problems out. He is a grown ass man, brain fully developed, and a 6 year old gets blamed. If you dont fit in his narrative, he will start gossiping about you to family and now my cousin shuns me at gatherings. Right before I was proposed to i told them not to gossip about me. They took that to an extreme and told noone I got proposed to. Now if feels like theyre pushing me out and im ready to move on.

Im so glad I found my fiance. He is very loving and provides the love I so very much wanted as a child. He was the first one, that i can remember, that called me smart and any time some one tells me it, I glow. He taught me how to say No, how to see the power dynamics, and they hate him for it. He hates my family and how theyve treated me. Im confident enough to know now Ill be okay.

Im F, 31, and Chinese. Adopted at 5 months old and a year and a half later my white AP had my sister.

I love her and genuinely want to support my sibling, but my AP have made that extremely difficult for the long haul. Theres a hierarchy in my family and im at the bottrom. Im the black sheep and she is the golden child they admire and see as a strong independent woman. I was made to be the troublemaker and my family is all avoidants. Im not, I appreciate transparency thanks to them. Im a confrontational person when I need to be and I dont shy away from it. We are so comically different, im asian and created my identity with a spooky goth asethetic and have been this way since I was 12. My family didnt understand that, they shamed me for it. My sister is like them, but afraid of change (as avoidants are).

My father took his anger out on me. A 6ft man using his body to intimidate me and he got in my face often, over minor things. He liked control, he taught me how to bully and i bullied my sister when we were younger. We were best friends for a time and I ruined that, thanks to my dad. She got me back in our teens and was mean to me. Now in our 30s, we are distant. I tried for years to make it up to her, but over time she fell in with my parents, who love echo chambers and you cannot disagree without it looking like disrespect. I hate it.

For years I was told i was pretty and talented, I fell into that box, and my sister fell into the intelligent box. She was the intelligent one and never touched art, until I told her she needs to find other passions in life. I had several talks with my family and her. I told her to stop competing with me, encouraged her to do art. My parents I told them how I felt. How i felt ridiculed for years.

My mom is horribly distant, I dont even know her as a person. I tried getting to know her for a time. My father i tried telling him how his bullying effected me, he denied my claims and they both gossiped to outside family. I think they did it so much that my cousin saw it as okay to shun me at gatherings. I dont know and thats the horrible part. They have acted like they dont know what im talking about when calling out toxic dynamics. I feel like my family is all about office politics, whether they like someone enough to be around, and self image. My dad was a conteol freak growing up, and stopped bullying me once I showed i could stand up for myself, got too big to bully, or he changed. Regardless, hes done petty things like taking my "Dont gossip to outside family about me," to the extreme and wouldnt tell anyone when I got proposed to.

I found my fiancee, whom they dislike. They dont say it out loud but their behavior screams it. I dont talk to my sister, she never asks me anything. She never opens up and she receives validation falling in line with what my parents think is "correct." I feel like the troublemaker being the only one pointing out dishonesty, unfairness, biasism, dysfunction, everything. Up until I met my fiancee i was so passive towards people, it lead to being targeted and undermined alot.

Nobody asks why am I distancing myself, they just want to avoid it. Im left having to cut them off, say No to a Hawaii trip becauee i cnat stand performing around them anymore, make up an excuse because they cant and wont ask for the truth. And im left looking like Im crazy for being more assertive (to them aggro) and distancing myself after pretending to be happy in front of them over zoom. Irony is they advocate for strong independent women, have told me not to be mean, and overall ave given me the impression they dont see me as such.

For all the time and years Ive tried repairing my sister's relationship with me, she'd rather avoid me than hearing me out, because the family revolves around her and she gets validation. Ive initiated so many times.

They've changed a little as people, theyve done nice things for me, but my dads logic has been "im showing you respect by providing a roof over your head," when saying theyre disrespectful.

Im so tired and my only support has been my fiancee. Hes the only one who gets me and sees me. Long ago they ridiculed me for looking for love as a teen, but I think i knew what I was looking for all along.

I get the feeling they dislike me being around because I prove to them theyre not good people. They care so much about their appearance to others and im like a mirror of all of their bad behavior.

Please, any advice on handling estrangement?