I genuinely don’t know if I’m lazy or traumatized anymore
So I don't want to say I'm the best son, but it seems like I've been such a failure in life. I've been out of school, lying about it to my brother and mom, and they 100% know. I always just say I'm in class when I'm really in my room. It's always locked, and honestly it is dirty and disgusting. I feel no motivation to do anything, and the only times I really care are for dumb minimal things like playing with my friends. I don't really show much attention toward my mom either.
To preface, she had a brain bleed, so now she's kind of handicapped, but she's getting way better. She's fully cognitive, it's just harder for her to walk and talk. So my brother, who's the main caretaker, went out to Morocco to meet his girlfriend, and I stayed to take care of my mom. I'm barely 18, and he's like 27. (PS: I have 8 siblings, 4 brothers and 4 sisters.)
Now it's the last few days before he comes back, and the whole family is coming to clean and move stuff because we're moving. Honestly, I can't even lie, I have not cleaned anything substantial at all. Basically none. I have to almost be threatened to act. I don't think that's completely my fault though, because I was constantly berated and scolded for doing things wrong growing up, and I truly was a great kid back then. But my siblings would always hit me if I couldn't find stuff for them or do things for them, and this started happening when I was around 4 and continued basically until I was 18. They all know this too, but they are so narcissistic, ego-driven, and have such severe anger issues that they don't even recognize it.
My 4 brothers don't give a fuck about me, and honestly I don't even think my sisters do either. Basically my whole family doesn't care, and I know it too. Also, I forgot to mention this, but I know I'm a grown-ass adult now, which makes it worse. My brother is kind of right when he says how immature and stupid I am for being 18.
But here's the story. Today I got a ton of calls. I also have to say my sleep schedule has completely turned nocturnal. Basically I was sleeping, and I got missed calls from my mom and sister. I had already given my mom her medicine and food earlier, but she was knocking on my door. My door is upstairs, so she calls my sister, and then my sister calls my brother in Morocco. He goes absolutely batshit crazy saying stuff like:
"When I get back I'ma beat you fucking bloody, do you fucking hear me?"
"You don't deserve any fucking thing. Don't think you'll ever get anything again, you hear me lil bitch?"
"You know we value mom over you, right?"
And:
"Nobody in the family cares about you."
I'm financially dependent on them too, and I've never worked a job at all, so it's also crushing hearing stuff like that. Then he says:
"We all know he isn't making it to college. We all know he's just going to be a bum on the street."
It was just fucked up. Then he tells my mom:
"Just prepare yourself because I'm about to beat the living shit outta your son."
And he said not to tell anyone else in the family, which honestly is probably true because some of them are even crazier and have worse anger issues and mental problems.
Now I just look at the stars sometimes and wonder, is this what life is supposed to be? Was I born just for this? I'm basically emotionless writing this right now. I don't even know what life really is anymore. I'm constantly berated, constantly criticized. I can do one thing good and they'll somehow find 100 other things to criticize. And honestly, part of me feels like it's all true.
I honestly hate them and myself because now it's made me into a coward too. Whenever I have valid criticisms or feelings, the past abuse just makes me automatically agree with them instead. Now I barely even talk to them. I just say "mhm" or "mmm." That's it. It feels like I'm stuck in this cycle.
And honestly I am a slob. I have no goals, no motivation, and no real life path right now. I'm just existing, and in the worst possible way. I feel like a burden to my whole family and to myself. It's sickening.
Nobody in my family is okay mentally. I can say that 100%. My whole family is basically abusive maniacs who take things out on me most of the time. There's not one sibling I can think of that has never put their hands on me in an abusive way. It sucks. It was more mental than physical overall though. The hitting mostly stopped around when I was 16.
We're moving soon, summer is one month away, and I haven't gone to school this entire year as a senior, so I feel completely doomed. I don't even know how to tell them.
I also probably became hypersexual because of experiences with my cousin when I was younger. I was probably around 8 and she was 9. It happened a lot. I don't blame her obviously because we were both children, but still, it feels like my whole existence has just been one uphill battle with no end and no victory.
Also, the reason I've never called authorities is because I'm too scared. It would completely shatter the family apart, and there is a lot of financial dependency within the family. It's like a giant web of support. They can also be extremely nice sometimes, but they can also be extremely awful.
The most mentally abusive person was probably my sister, and the most physically abusive was one of my brothers. To count a few things, I've been choked, pummeled to the ground at like 12 years old until I was bleeding from both nostrils because I couldn't hook a worm onto a fishing hook, which is honestly insane to think about now. Then my dad left too. He's basically a deadbeat.
And I'm an idiot for this, I know, but they always somehow pull me back in emotionally. I don't know if it's guilt-tripping or manipulation, it probably is honestly, because it's definitely not healthy. But I always rationalize their brutality or violence through my own actions, like: "Okay, I really didn't do what I was supposed to do, so maybe they're justified."
Sometimes I genuinely can't believe how lazy I can become. Honestly, I don't want to be like this.