My husband survived but now won’t do anything
Throwaway.
Background: A couple years ago my(F35) husband (M35) had a serious medical event and almost died. He was in a coma for a month. Doctors told me he wasn’t gonna make it, and that if he did he would not be the same. That he might never walk or talk or see etc. It was hell. I refused to believe the doctors and fought for him and was his caretaker until he recovered. Im keeping things as brief as possible but it was so hard it almost killed me too. A year after that he was doing better and we went for his one year follow up. To make a long story short, he had to go through the same thing again but this time it was a bit easier and faster. We are now 3 years from the original event and 2 from the second. He is now a lot better, I’d say 95% back to himself.
In the beginning he was obviously very depressed and I ofcourse took care of him and was there for him. He slowly started getting better. Eventually he joined a yoga class and was doing that for a few months, and he started taking an art class to reconnect with that part of him. We took a vacation and with his dr blessing, hiked up a mountain which he wanted to do to prove to himself that he can I guess. Things were looking up.
But then everything changed. In the past few months it’s like he lost all drive and ambition or motivation to do anything. He’s gone to yoga maybe twice in the past 3 months. When he goes to art class he’s always complaining that he’s not as good as the other students and that the teacher is always correcting him. I reminded him that the class was supposed to be for fun and it doesn’t have to be that serious. He spends his days doom scrolling on social media or playing video games.
Yesterday we were talking about a specific family obligation we had to go to and he said he didn’t want to be around people. I asked why and he said because he’s anxious. I asked why and he said he just is after the medical events that happened to him. I reminded him of how much it was the opposite of this a few months ago and he didn’t have an answer. Somehow the conversation turned into him not finding a job yet and how that is causing him to be anxious. But he also said his anxiety is preventing him from getting a job. I pointed out this loop and asked when he’s going back to therapy (he stopped a few months ago) and he said soon. He said he’s working on himself and when I asked him how he didn’t have an answer for that either.
I just don’t know how to help. I know he’s depressed and homesick. I know the world is shit right now and we all are questioning wtf is life. We’ve gone through some other life stuff in the past 2 years that were hard but we’re here and we’re now and we’re good relatively.
I’m so connected to him emotionally and mentally that it’s started to drain me every day just trying to be positive and pull him out of this when his energy is just so negative most of the time. I’m exhausted. I love him. I want to help. I know he didn’t survive just to survive. I miss my fun confident life loving man. I’m probably rambling at this point but what do I do? Am I being selfish? Any outside perspective?