SAHPs — How do you handle finances? Do you have any independence?
SAHPs — How do you handle finances?
(Sorry, this is really long but the context matters).
Ladies, do you have your own separate accounts for any minor side hustles or gifts etc? Does your husband think it's "not fair" if you do?
I recently opened up a Checking account under my name and deposited less than $300 from my consignment sales, jury duty, and personal gift. The account literally has less than $300 but my husband is upset that I have my own account he cannot access or check and thinks it's not fair.
The only reason I did it is because back in December, I wanted to buy a $35 poinsetiia plant to decorate for Christmas and he wouldn't let me. He literally blew up at the store over me wanting to buy that, and told me to earn my own money and stop spending his. We had a huge fight and I was almost ready to divorce.
He finally realized he was wrong, said he was just stressed about the current bills & expenses, and would never do that again.
My mom was super upset when she heard about it and has insisted that I have my own account, even if it's just a few bucks here & there from birthday money she sends or little bit of stuff I sell.
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For context..... I stopped working a few years ago when I had kids. We couldn't afford daycare, plus my physical & mental health took a huge hit from several complications so now I can't work at all.
Before kids, we both worked and my husband and I had separate accounts (savings, checking, credit cards) but they were *linked* together so we could see each other's bank accounts and transfer funds to/from, if needed. Like if my account was very low and went into overdraft, or I needed to pay him back for something. We split the bills and paid the mortgage 50/50 (I would transfer him my half monthly). When I stopped working, I had under $20K in my accounts saved up that I didn't plan on touching. It's not life changing but I wanted to keep it for future emergencies etc.
Fast forward to after kids.... I was busy with little kids and dealing with health issues & daily stress, and my husband paid all the bills, so I didn't really keep tabs on anything. We agreed I would use my credit cards for any purchases and we would pay them off when due using his account that was linked.
A couple years later, when I wanted to go somewhere with my girlfriend, he said I couldn't travel because we didn't have the money for it, so I said I'll just use my savings. Turns out, it had all been mixed and moved around. He was using my accounts as spare accounts or for specific purposes (that I still don't understand exactly to this day) and moved money around to pay bills, or invest, or use towards other expenses etc.
To him, it was no big deal because since we were married and he was the only one earning income and covering all expenses and managing the household, this was all "our money" and he didn't think it mattered to ask me before he touched my accounts. After all, it was not mine... it was ours. That really rubbed me the wrong way..... we had fights.... but I eventually let it go. Because I knew he didn't steal or hide any.... he used it to take care of our household and family.
He continued repurposing my accounts and using it as his accounts and deposited money into it for savings or emergency or to pay certain bills. I honestly never understood why he needed his own 3 accounts, and then my 2 accounts to deposit and move all this money around all the time. He said it was to help cope with his severe anxiety about financial stress. Eventually he closed some of the other accounts and opened up a two joint accounts with other banks and added me as secondary.
Two months ago, he told me he needed to close my original accounts because Citi was going to start charging maintanence fees for low balances with no direct deposits. It didn't matter to me because well, it wasn't "my" account now anyway. He'd taken over and used it as back up account for "us" and most of the money had been moved over to new joint bank accounts anyway but he still kept his original checking account that's just his.
So then I opened my new separate Checking account two weeks ago, mentioned originally. He knew I was going to do that and was okay with it.
But yesterday he demanded access to view it and even though I gave it to him (to avoid fights), he couldn't add it under his profile since it's just mine. Now he's asking me to add him to the account and I refused.... due to previous experience of him taking over and moving funds & repurposing the account etc.
So now he's fighting with me that it's not fair that I have a "secret account" (it's not – I can show it to him anytime he wants) and is threatening to remove me from all of "his accounts," including joint account.
I've explained he can view my account balance by asking me to log in anytime but it's barely got $300 in it and it's just for fun purchases like if I wanted to buy a dress or shoes or a poinsetiia plant again without turning it into a huge argument next time. And it's not like I'm putting money in it regularly.... this is just from money I receive as gifts or minor sales from consignments. He's claiming it should all be "ours" and this is making HIM uncomfortable that he can't view or access it and check the balance.
Meanwhile, I feel like I have ZERO financial independence or control. And the control & power imbalance is really making me uncomfortable.
ETA: I do have access to the other joint accounts. I just don't touch them since they're mostly to pay bills and household expenses, which he handles. Usually, if I need to buy something for the house or kids, I just charge my credit card and he pays it off every month. But I just felt like I needed my own separate Checking account again (since he took over the previous one I had) to deposit my few bucks that I earned on the side and for some discretionary spending for fun or anything I wanted to buy that was unnecessary. The other night, I wanted Chipotle.... he said no. The month before that when I wanted to get take out, he said no. So I feel like I always have to ask or need permission even for smaller amounts.