Is it normal to feel like I’m overreacting and the affair wasn’t that bad?
For context, my [28m] wife [29f] told me about 2 months ago that she wasn’t happy in the marriage. I knew it was serious because she was saying things like “we need to figure out if we are still compatible”. Her main complaints were about how I wasn’t treating her right (fair enough).
So I started fighting like hell to save the marriage, improve myself and improve how I treated her. But for 6 weeks it was just downhill, she was less sure by the day about the marriage. Then two weeks ago I questioned her and found out she has feelings for her coworker. She said it was just feelings and that he didn’t know how she felt.
I did some snooping and found out that they were explicitly flirting, jokingly saying things like “move in with me”. So I phoned her to confront her and asked her to cut contact with him. She refused so I said “I’m done. I might file for divorce, but I need to take time to think about what’s best for me”. She then pleaded to come talk to me in person and I finally agreed.
I ended up waiting 3 hours for her to arrive, wondering where she was. When she came, she very reluctantly agreed to cut contact with him and we could do a 4 week repair trial.
3 days into the 4 week trial, she told me that after our phone call where I said I was done, she went to him. Apparently they kissed and got partially undressed. This information destroyed me. She did seem very sorry and said she made a huge mistake. But she kept saying “But you had said you were going to file for divorce” (which isn’t exactly what I had said).
The next week was okay-ish because we agreed to only talk about issues in couples therapy. And she seemed to be leaning more into the marriage, which was nice. But in therapy she said things that really made me feel like shit. She said she still has real feelings for the coworker that weren’t just going to go away. She said that the PA only happened because I said I wanted to divorce. She said she feels she is more compatible with him than with me. And that he has told her he would wait for her as long as long as she needed.
Whenever I try to talk about the affair she starts turning it around and talking about how I made the marriage miserable and impossible to live in.
I just couldn’t take it anymore so 2 nights ago I told her I wanted a divorce and moved out. She was pleading with me to stay, to finish the 4 week trial. Saying that we are compatible, etc. But I continued to move out.
I’m now very conflicted. I’ve told her that maybe we can reconcile after some time apart, if she doesn’t contact the coworker. Which she is upset about. She says I can’t ask for a divorce and then come with T’s and C’s for reconciliation.
Like I said. I’m conflicted. I’m wondering if I overreacted. She did cheat on me. But the physical affair only happened once allegedly and only when I had said I was done. And she was mostly forthcoming.
I do feel like we could have fixed things. I’m just so hurt and confused. And don’t know how bad of a betrayal this is. Like it could have been way worse. But at the same time I can’t be competing for my wife with another man.
Any advice or perspective is greatly appreciated