u/Defiant-Thought7253

Hi guys! I have had such amazing conversations on reddit and I believe I have actually made some real friends. I'm so pleasantly surprised! I am looking for something specific to discuss rn. I am going through a bad breakup and heartbreak and I want to talk to someone who has healed from that/ is going through it as well. I am also a good listener and it's not just all about me. I want to know your story as well. Thank you for your time and I hope you find what you seek on here.

My last letter I'm writing to you feels like a creature I am creating at this point. I'm pouring everything into it- my pain, anguish, compassion, fears, hopelessness. I have not even been to therapy yet because I know that's the final nail in the coffin. That's the last step. I know exactly why I'm avoiding it. I've already gone no contact so it seems strange. But it's also the last symbol of the end of everything. Every time I go to set it up, I find something else to do. Yeah right. I'm not that busy. That's just the last step. The last step before I hopefully get to say goodbye in person next month. I love you, you idiot. Your choice ended us. My heart is still yours. Give it back please. To whoever reads this- if you think I am your person I'm not. Sending these thoughts out is something I do for myself. They won't find him.

Good evening. I'm 39 f and I live in the USA. I'm extroverted but also anxious. I just hide it well most days. I love communication, cats, and art. I prefer to get to know people around my age or older. I love deep conversations and people who actually care. I'm a really good listener. People are like books to me and I love to read. What is your story?

I'm hoping that I can turn my heartbreak into a good thing. Maybe, it just means I have the capacity to love deeply. And I actually think that is a good thing. I have become more and more closed off over the years of failed relationships. But, I let someone in and I actually think that's a sign of healing. So, today strangely enough I'm glad to be heartbroken because it makes me human.

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You think because I ended things that I am unfeeling. You think that I am cold. I am the opposite and I always have been. It is a cover and a cage for a heart that is too warm and fragile. I wasn't even surprised when you hurt me because that is what I have come to expect from the world and men I am in relationships with. I don't want to be that way. I have to work on changing myself now. You didn't make it easy. Now I am enveloped in sadness and pain- not hatred or blame.  You didn't even make me stop loving you. I'm just having to be strong to survive. You went from my forever to a death wish. You went from my best friend to my worst enemy. Strength is not a lack of feeling. For me, it is my survival instinct kicking in. You say you are a rabbit and get hurt by the world over and over. What does that make you now since you attacked me? Maybe you are not a rabbit at all. I've gone over my part and what I could do to improve things for both of us. I'm not blameless in making the relationship unhealthy. It needed repair and care. But, you literally did the one thing I cannot forgive. Not because I don't want to. Because I want to live. Whatever you are and have been, I love you still. My strength is the fact that I won't let you end me. 

No one knows I'm on here. I didn't use reddit while we were together. I'm suffering because of their choice to drink. I have gone over and over the things I could have changed to make our relationship better. I have gone over the problems that I had a part in. I have no chance to fix anything now. Any chance I had to work on things has been obliterated. My best friend and lover is lost to me forever- someone I love deeply. Love not loved. l present an image of happiness and strength in public ( to friends and family). I am not happy. I can't be with my best friend ever again because of the choices they made. Our animal family can't see them again. I'm not happy I'm devastated. 

I will see them for the last time next month. I'm going over and over what I want to say. There were definitely things we needed to work on in our relationship, including things I needed to do myself. But now there is no chance to fix anything. Everything that is now clear to me cannot be addressed. I want to focus on the last day they left scars on my memories and hurt me beyond measure. That's the most obvious. But I also have forgiveness in my heart and love. I want them to heal and get better. We can't do that together but I hope they can do that for themselves. Our life that we built needed repairs even before they exploded. Our life was in crisis not just them. I see that now. I hope that when we meet, we both get some sort of closure and acceptance. I still love them. I have to put myself first or there won't be me.

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It would be easy to simply blame you for your actions. And believe me I have. I cannot be with you now. That is not a question. But, what did I do in our relationship?  What should I have done better? I think I could have tried more to do activities with you that you enjoyed. I'm more extroverted but I know you enjoyed video games. I should have made more effort to play them. I should have spoken to you more in your love language vs mine. I feel like we spoke different languages. I wanted you to understand me too and not  just focus on my shortcomings. For whatever reason, that stung and began to stand out more than all of the wonderful things. I think that's why you got so upset. We both needed more from each other. Believe it or not, I'm not blaming everything on you. We were both in relationship crisis mode that final day. I didn't know how to voice my frustrations without upsetting you. But, I should have done it anyway for the sake of our relationship. I should have done more to focus on making everything healthier for both of us. Now I can only reflect. That's all I have. I can't go back. I don't want revenge. My love for you has not disappeared. We just can't be with each other anymore. That doesn't mean I don't miss you. That doesn't mean I don't miss us. I had to end it. I had no choice. Now, I want us both to heal. I forgive you. I forgive myself for not being what I needed to be.

I'm almost 40 female. I've been out of the game for three years. I realize things will be different now that I am older. I want to find a serious relationship ( hopefully my last). I am trying to research things and figure out what apps/ approaches are best. That's just how my mind works. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.