I am tired of being gay.
Context: 25M, Malay. Gay. Closeted by choice. Independent since 18.
I recently got dumped by my ex, and I realized I was probably just a hookup to him the entire time.
I’m not even that sad about the break-up; he is a liar and a cheat. But what hurts more is that I’m starting to lose faith that I’ll ever have a real monogamous relationship.
I know I should move on. Objectively, there’s no reason for me to struggle this much. I take care of myself, I have a good career, I earn enough money, I work out 5 days a week, I don’t smoke or drink, and I put effort into looking good. I treat people with respect and stay away from unnecessary conflict.
On paper, I am great. But then I see my friends getting married and building lives with the woman they love, and I envy that a lot.
Sometimes I go on dating apps hoping to meet someone new, but my last relationship damaged my self-esteem more than I realized. I genuinely don’t know if I can trust another person again.
I still want the normal things. I want to build a quiet life with someone, travel together, grow old together. But the older I get, the more unrealistic that feels, especially in Malaysia.
I think the hardest part is trying to make peace with the possibility that I am dying alone.