AITA for being concerned or even “unaccepting” of my friend’s major age gap relationship?
I (27F) have a friend group in high school from grade 9! We have all been friends up to this day and kept in touch over the years as we live in separate cities. There are 3 other people in the group. Changing the names, Kyle (27M), Sammie (27M), and Darren (27M). Please note our friend group has been strong with good jokes, memes, occasional online gaming.
Darren has been dating this woman we’ll call her Angela (50F). Darren and Angela have been dating for a year now, I am posting this a bit later because I really wanted to sit with my thoughts and process this internal conversation I had.
Where the issues fall is that Darren has been neglecting the friend group and not balancing friends vs. relationship. He has shoved all 3 of us to the side. So much so Sammie had a birthday party scheduled and Darren promised to bring drinks and a dessert as a gift.
Sammie and Darren have planned this 1-2 months in advance and when Sammy confirmed Darren’s attendance still. Darren told him that he can no longer come to the event as he is going to a concert with Angela. Please note Darren did not ask to reschedule the date, or communicate a resolution to solve this conflict. Sammie was hurt and expressed his feelings that he feels he’s pushing aside the friend group, and their own personal friendship.
Sammie, Kyle, and I have all talked privately about our concerns with the age gap. As normally age gap couples are normal and DO work out. Unfortunately the dynamic we’ve seen in texts and in person has been off. We strongly feel like since Darren unfortunately has parental trauma and maybe Angela in a midlife crisis phase, we find the relationship disingenuous.
Darren is a hopeless romantic, defiantly loves her and will sacrifice anything for her, to the point he’s expressed of leaving the country with her. Where the straw broke the camels back for all of us is Darren has been acting very egotistical, arrogant, self absorbed, and condescending towards the friend group. We even tried to test the waters in each of us talking about our partners and how we are with our loved ones, and the replies are just continuing talking about her and never asking how the rest of the party is doing, our partners, bailing on plans, hangouts, and not communicating if a date needs to be rescheduled. I also want to add in yes Angela has kids, been previously married and Darren is I believe younger or close in age to her own children which very much sits funny with me.
Like your potential step dad is the same age as you? It rub me the wrong way. My parent in the past has had a huge age gap relationship, and I look back on it now. Was very uncomfortable.
I decided to cut ties with Darren and leave the friendship. Sammie and Kyle still are friends and speak to Darren when he talks. Unfortunately he does not communicate with them much anyway. So they’re currently just living life. I still speak to Sammie and Kyle. Our friendship is fine.
I just want to know if I’m in the wrong here, being un accepting, ignorant or maybe I’m just not understanding my friend more? I didn’t want to come to loosing a friend. I always try to perspective take and always put myself in someone else’s shoes. Recently I just been struggling trying to wrap my head around this type of relationship. I feel like if Darren had a partner closer in his age it be easier to communicate with him on this topic but I know he’ll get sensitive and upset. As he has prior before in online posts.
Please correct me if I’m an asshole here. All comments and advice are greatly appreciated in seeing all sides of the coin.
Thank you very much all!