MtF person i looked up to online is seemingly detransitioning and it’s sending my mind in a loop.
Before I start, i want to clarify that i understand how weird it is to care or feel any sort of way. I understand how para-social and illogical the title seems just right off the bat, but i’m looking for help on why i’m feeling the ways that i do.
I had never stumbled upon this community until the past day, after I came by a trans influencer/personality online who I used to know and still follow. I will absolutely not say who they are by name, but they were one of the most beautiful trans women i’d ever seen in my life, and someone I passively looked up to as a trans girl myself. I didn’t obsess over her or anything, but she is so gorgeous that it gave me a little bit of hope as i was growing up as a trans girl who wouldn’t be able to get hormones for a long time. Now, I have been able to be on DIY estrogen for 4 months, with luck.
To the point, however, I stumbled across the twitter of this aforementioned trans girl to find, after doing some reading, that she had stopped taking estrogen around 4 months ago, and she recently posted a picture of her presenting somewhat masculinely (maybe with a binder??).
My thoughts just haven’t been clear since. I cannot stop thinking about her. Why she would do something when to me it seemed like she had achieved everything that almost every trans girl would kill for? What spurred this notion so deeply into her transition?
These questions weren’t out of judgment or scold, but fear. I’m so scared. It plants the seed in my head of me being so utterly confident with my identity and then realizing later on that i was wrong. That i gambled everything. You don’t really know those things for sure at all until a while, if ever. You can’t force an awareness of what causes certain ways of thinking. But It’s such a childish thought because I love and respect detransitioners. I just want everyone to be happy, so all of my thoughts are completely scattered.
On one hand Im aware I need to grow the fuck up and have empathy, as well as self care. Who gives a fuck if this person wants to be happier? I know nothing about their story or thought processes, I know nothing about their complex relationship with gender. But on the other hand it hurts. It just does for some reason and it’s driving me insane. I pride myself on being rational but It’s like I can’t focus on any other concept except her being a boy. To my caveman brain, her detransitioning would be an omen of death for me. Which is fucking dumb.
I love all of you guys, and I want to see her happy, and maybe conclusions are being jumped to, but I need some help on why I feel this way. I have to explore this balled up, almost terf-like unsatisfaction and micromanagement of people’s lives to be the exact reality I desire.
Thank you in advance, I know you guys will be helpful here in this aspect because I’m trying to come at this with curiosity to change and grapple with my emotions.