i feel like a fraud and larper [Rant]
Hi, I'm a young teenage girl. I think I'm either unlabelled or somewhere on the aceflux spectrum right now, but this is a question that has been bugging me for some time. I really struggle with the idea the environment around me has made me gay, or something like that. For context, my parents have been divorced, and a lot of times during this my dad has icked me out when I lived with him. He doesn't clean, can't cook, and although he's gotten better over the years, I can never forget that experience when I had to beg him to feed me. Anyways, when I was younger I only experienced attraction to dudes, but as I learned more about LGBTQ stuff, I started feeling milder attraction to women as well. Because of hormones at my age, I feel a lot more sexual and frankly horny. I mainly feel this towards guys, but if I think about this, I can also guide this sensation towards women. I worry that makes me a 'fake' bisexual or whatever because I don't 'naturally' feel this way. The other aspect is I'm not sure I'd ever be where I am now if my parents didn't divorce. Like the only reason I even KNOW about LGBTQ is when cuz my internet addiction came when my parents divorced. Is this just a phase? Am I actually just being an attention-seeker by trying to be gay as if that's something exotic (it's not, but this is how society perceives it a lot of times, so I'm worried I'm subconsciously doing it)? I'm just so troubled about this and it has plagued my mind countless times while I was questioning. Lastly, I currently only feel largescale 'romantic' attraction towards girls, but I feel like with guys, I'm confusing lust with wanting an actual relationship. Furthermore, I have no desire to have sex, but I still get really lustful whenever I look at people, especially guys. It disgusts me a lot, but I can't stop it. This is why I think I'm on the ace spectrum, and the label I really resonate with rn is aegosexual, having sexual fantasies and thoughts but no desire to actually do it. I like the idea more than the act. Sadly, I feel like one of those straight people who hate being straight but begrudgingly are. Please help me out and give me your views guys.