u/Dramatic_Release2726

I'm 35, I've been married a while, I have kids, I'm a stay at home parent and I often feel alone.

I spend so much time inside my head.

So much so, that the introspection and reflection can become exhausting. My mind rarely stops examining, questioning, refining, analyzing, searching, etc. Sometimes I feel like that leads to understanding, wisdom, clarity or compassion. Other times its just rumination, shame, paralysis and excessive self-surveillance and criticism.

I think constantly about truth, meaning, integrity, conscience, beauty, suffering, God, growth, and what it means to genuinely become a good person. 

Not just outwardly good, but inwardly aligned which I've identified as a kind of personal integrity. I care deeply about whether my actions reflect what I actually believe and when they do not, life doesn't feel right. Which is where I find myself now. I want peace that comes from no longer being divided against myself. I want to trust myself. I want my beliefs, desires, actions, and spirit to stop pulling in different directions. I don't think I'm searching for status, means or even happiness. Just internal contentment. 

For a long time I've just wanted to feel seen and understood. Not casually known, but truly seen. I want someone to recognize the sincerity beneath the confusion and struggle. I think part of me has hoped that being fully understood or loved by another person would heal something or help break the cycle I'm in. But I think I've decided that it's unlikely another person's actions can help me achieve the peace I'm looking for even if I still crave feeling seen, loved or understood. 

I believe I am good. I believe I can grow. Maybe I have grown in ways that are hard to perceive. It feels uncomfortably slow if so. 

Despite the depression I've found myself in, I still admire beauty, gentleness, wisdom, sincerity, strength and truth. I still want to become someone capable of loving and being loved. Of living honestly and standing before God without hiding from myself. I want to feel confident again. I want to look in the mirror and feel satisfaction and love for myself. 

I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting. Perhaps to be seen. Perhaps to see if this resonates with someone else. Perhaps to find a friend. If nothing else, I find my thoughts and feelings too heavy to share with anyone else in my world so hopefully they can belong here.

I'm 35, I've been married a while, I have kids, I'm a stay at home parent and I often feel alone.

I spend so much time inside my head.

So much so, that the introspection and reflection can become exhausting. My mind rarely stops examining, questioning, refining, analyzing, searching, etc. Sometimes I feel like that leads to understanding, wisdom, clarity or compassion. Other times its just rumination, shame, paralysis and excessive self-surveillance and criticism.

I think constantly about truth, meaning, integrity, conscience, beauty, suffering, God, growth, and what it means to genuinely become a good person.

Not just outwardly good, but inwardly aligned which I've identified as a kind of personal integrity. I care deeply about whether my actions reflect what I actually believe and when they do not, life doesn't feel right. Which is where I find myself now. I want peace that comes from no longer being divided against myself. I want to trust myself. I want my beliefs, desires, actions, and spirit to stop pulling in different directions. I don't think I'm searching for status, means or even happiness. Just internal contentment.

For a long time I've just wanted to feel seen and understood. Not casually known, but truly seen. I want someone to recognize the sincerity beneath the confusion and struggle. I think part of me has hoped that being fully understood or loved by another person would heal something or help break the cycle I'm in. But I think I've decided that it's unlikely another person's actions can help me achieve the peace I'm looking for even if I still crave feeling seen, loved or understood.

I believe I am good. I believe I can grow. Maybe I have grown in ways that are hard to perceive. It feels uncomfortably slow if so.

Despite the depression I've found myself in, I still admire beauty, gentleness, wisdom, sincerity, strength and truth. I still want to become someone capable of loving and being loved. Of living honestly and standing before God without hiding from myself. I want to feel confident again. I want to look in the mirror and feel satisfaction and love for myself.

I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting. Perhaps to be seen. Perhaps to see if this resonates with someone else. Perhaps to find a friend. If nothing else, I find my thoughts and feelings too heavy to share with anyone else in my world so hopefully they can belong here.