First post
Hello, I came here to speak about my mother as best as I can. First, I need to add context to for myself.
I have Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and on the Autism Spectrum. Possibly C-PTSD too. I am a 21 year old female who lives with her parents and siblings.
The things I remember from when my OCD was so bad I couldn't sleep, eat or think about anything other than my obsession and doing compulsions is enough to make me shudder. I remember wanting to spend time with my mom all the time because I was desperate to be free of those thoughts.
One day, she basically told me I had to learn to handle my anxiety and to stop thinking about what was making me anxious. I told her I couldn't. And then she called me weak and left my room.
I didnt feel anything at the time, but now? I feel anger, hatred. Since then, she has become more emotionally abusive then I remember.
The list of things she has done:
Threatened to take EVERYTHING I have except my bed, I would only be able to eat sleep and do what she wants... because I dont do the dishes everyday (Im trying to be more consistent but somedays Im overwhelmed. I also do not shower as often as I should. I know that I'm disgusting for that. My sister and mom remind me how my room stinks. I also dont clean my room much, so garbage and dirty dishes are on the floor. Again, Im gross. I wish I had energy.
Berated me for not doing what she asked, which I understand the frustration. But it also hurts, and I end up shutting down and/or wanting to hurt myself.
Has called me names before, I remember this happening as a teen and adult. She called me r*tarded for missing the bus, disgusting for my bad hygiene, lazy, told me I was behaving like a loser, said I needed to excercise and lose weight. I remember her giving me garcinia cambodia weightloss pills so I could ride therapy horses (I live out in the country, horses should only carry 20% of their body weight on their back. I dont mind losing weight, I just wish mom didnt give me the pills and walked with me. I was just 13-14.)
Perhaps I deserve this, perhaps I shouldn't have written this at all. But I need to know who is wrong here.
I know I can't make excuses because of my mental health, so I am trying to find ways to give myself energy. To be honest, due to mom constantly nagging me to shower and walk and do dishes I just hate doing all three. I dont have a job, so its all I have to do and yet Im overwhelmed. Why? Why am I so pathetic?
I don't know if I'm salvageable anymore. Im losing my mind.