u/Dreary_Libido

Sorry about the incessant blogposts btw I have never felt so unstable in my life.

I told my girlfriend I was trans, had transitioned previously, and was going to start HRT again. We had a long talk, and in the end she decided to break things off. Very civil, totally understandable and honestly what I was expecting.

Today she called and asked me to come over to talk about things some more. She asked me a lot of questions about what I was going to do pronouns/name/presentation-wise, how hormones worked/what they did, what I wanted out of it, whether I was going to have 'the operation', where I wanted to be in five years etc. When I described DIYing she looked at me like I was mainlining heroin and didn't understand why I couldn't go to the doctor and be prescribed HRT with medical supervision (*britbong*). When I told her the wait times were several years she couldn't believe it. Likewise when I told her the cost of getting it privately vs online.

When I initially told her I was very emotional, and I think she thought it was an impulse decision and that I was having some kind of breakdown - which tbf I 100% am. The talk we had today was much more level-headed, and after it she said she was sorry and didn't want to lose me and we had a big cry. Holding her made me feel like a monster, like somehow I manipulated her into changing her mind. In that moment I did wish I'd gone with Plan B and killed myself instead of putting her through this humiliation ritual, but let's not be negative.

She was very opposed to the concept of manmoding which caught me by surprise. She'd looked up a bunch of before and afters of trans women about my age​ to show me. It seems a bit like she tried to find girls who looked like me which was weird. All of them were luckshits/edited/multiple surgeries but I appreciated the gesture. Very thankful, although I think the relationship is still not going to work out. I think she has an unrealistic idea of what's going to happen and how much progress it's possible for me to make. She insisted on she/her-ing me when I said it makes me feel condescended to. But then I should just be grateful, shouldn't I? I should just be greatful not to be alone right now.

All you BDD girls get out I don't want to hear from you. I'm actually in the shit here. Real hons and manmoders only.

I'm just sort of wearing shorts and big t-shirts so I can't see my disgusting body. I reckon if I rock that, bury my skull in long hair, let my upper body atrophy, and get a bit of laser so I don't have to shave twice a day I can at least look like something. I can maybe look like a weird betitted twink man. I could live with that. Androgyny would be a marvellous achievement under the circumstances. I'll probably end up looking like an aging metalhead instead.

My mannerisms are utterly ghoulish tbh but it's probably better to come off as a bit gay than not. That's at least a step in the right direction. I move like a bonobo raised solely on episodes of Drag Race. 29 year old man btw. Measured my shoulders today and cried. We're back in business. We're back where we're meant to be.

I hope none of you remember me but I used to post here years ago. Well I'm back and here's my stupid life story.

HRT at 24, on for a year before one of my oldest friends raped me and and (said he'd always wanted to be with a man btw) and another made me suck his dick. Threw out all my clothes, stopped HRT, couldn't even shave my legs without punching myself in the face, gymrepped myself into a chimpanzee.

29 now and I just did my first E shot for the second time. Talked to my GF about it and she said she'd leave me if that's what I wanted to do, so that's a relationship of four years over on top of everything else. Any chance at passing gone. All the femininity I had in my teens and 20s gone. I just look like a disgusting uncanny gay man with those dead, lightless, totally male eyes. I've grown an Adam's apple since I stopped HRT - and since I spent the last five years rotting in pity for myself, I don't even have the money to get it sliced off.

I can never wear clothes that make me feel like myself again. I'll never look feminine again. I can never use my real name again without humiliating myself. I can just manmode and content myself with flouncing around the house like the nasty monster I am. Like Ed Gein in his skinsuit. The only reason I started again was because I knew if I didn't I'd end up going off the rails at 50 or 60 or something. I'm not a man or a woman, I'm a ridiculous failure to be either. If you're repping just go on one of the sites and get on HRT right now. It doesn't get any better. You can't beat this. Do. Not. Rep. There is no turn of phrase, no prose of lyricism I can conjure, to tell you what a ridiculous mistake I made except to say, plainly, that I ruined my own life.

So I'll be around in future. Nice to meet you everyone, my name's Dreary. Lots of new faces from what I've seen. I won't say it's good to be back, but I am back.