I keep relapsing and I don’t know how to break the cycle
I’ve been struggling with mental illness my whole life. Depression, low self-esteem, the usual. And every time I try to deal with it, I somehow convince myself that “it’s not that bad, I can handle it.” Then just when things start improving, I self-sabotage everything.
Growing up, I used drugs to cope. Alcohol, weed. it was how I dealt with my feelings. I smoked every day for almost ten years, to the point where I couldn’t do anything without it (talk to people, eat, sleep, and so on). It became a shield against everything I didn’t want to feel. I know it sounds cliché, but that’s honestly what it was.
When everything in my life went to hell because of it, I realized I hadn’t been dealing with anything and just wasting years. So I said enough, and quit cold turkey.
Everything I’d been hiding from came rushing back. The anxiety, the depression, and the feeling of not being good enough got louder every single day. It got so overwhelming that I attempted suicide. Thankfully someone was there and saved me. I got into treatment and slowly things got better.
Then a friend introduced me to cocaine. And honestly I’d never felt anything like it. I think it hit so hard because I’d been depressed for so long. It was fine at first, but my use kept escalating without me even noticing until it was too late. I left treatment because I thought I had it under control. I didn’t.
I started lying to the people closest to me. Stole money from family and from work to fund it. Lost my job. Lost weight. Lost pretty much everything.
Eventually I said enough is enough. I came clean to my loved ones, apologized, and they were understanding and supportive. Went back to treatment and slowly started rebuilding my life.
A few months later the cravings started creeping back in. I convinced myself that just once wouldn’t hurt, that I was in control this time.
I wasn’t.
Now I’m back to square one. And I’m too ashamed and embarrassed to ask for help again.
Has anyone been through something like this? How do you actually break the cycle?