u/Due-Appearance-7857

Warning for vague mention of violence and criminals

17m. I've been dealing with swings from extreme empathy to extreme apathy lately.

I view humanity as a core aspect of what it takes to be human. I don't think anyone inherently lacks humanity except rapists and those who injure the innocent, children and the mentally disabled and others. I understand those who commit these things are the same species but I don't see them as human. I believe I lack humanity but for entirely separate reasons. I think humanity is some sort of inherent understanding that all people who belong in what I'd label humans or human society are born with. I don't like calling the group societal because I feel like that implies taught expectations instead of a born understanding. I don't lack this understanding in the same way rapists or those who injure others do, I believe they were given a chance at humanity and chose to discard it. They understand it but disrespect it. I do think there is an aspect of understanding that I was never born with. That I was never given the chance at. It's not the same understanding that they choose to lack but it's something that I need that I do not have. To be a part of humanity that I lack. I do not see myself as someone who human rights extend to. I do not see myself as deserving of respect or sympathy or safety because those rights extend to those who have humanity.

I can empathize with people despite this. To those who do not rape I can empathize with, including violent criminals. I don't agree with what they do. I think many should be sentenced to death for what they do. But I can understand their thought process, how they got to the point they did. I don't like to understand but I do. I don't like being told how I can empathize with people so heavily because of how far it extends.

When I'm in my periods of apathy it's like I'm blind to humanity as a whole. I've forgotten about my loved ones and I need isolation because I am not a part of humanity and I have no need to be. I forget that other people are sentient and not just bodies of flesh. Autonomous meat bags. I don't know if I even understand the concept of sentience. I daydream about killing others and how I'd hide them, I've been doing so since I was at least six, since I began remembering things. It was never born out of desire to hurt or revenge, at most curiosity. It was just what my mind would come naturally to. Like it was second nature. Like how people daydream of being excellent or successful, or what they'd do if they went back in time, wherever their mind leads to, this is where mine would lead me to. Before I got the chance to understand and see how people desire and crave violence, my mind led itself there with no outside influence. None that I can remember at the least. Like it was second nature, how I played pretend was imagining myself in a homicidal position. It was never truly violent to me. Very neutral. And when I return to my period of empathy I would disturb myself with guilt over how I used to think.

This cycle of disturbance is how I am and how I've always been and I haven't been truly self aware of it until now. It is still happening but I have more control over the apathetic phases. I think with this gaining of self awareness the distress over the apathy is getting worse though. I don't know how to talk to someone about this, someone who can help me so I don't have to deal with this anymore.

Advice or comments appreciated. Anything helps.

Warning for violent thoughts mentioned I guess?

For nearly my entire life I've experienced violent thoughts and apathy. Sometimes I'm normal, I feel guilty about the fact that I've had these thoughts. It's usually theoreticals about dissecting or killing people and how I'd hide them. It's not anyone specific. If I were anyone else I'd assume they came from watching too many true crime stuff but I remember having these thoughts as young as six, as young as my memories go, before I was allowed to watch tv. It was constant daydreaming about it. When I was young I never really daydreamed about anything other than killing people and gardening lol. These fantasies are not born out of a desire to hurt people, just a desire to know. To know how they'd react, how their bodies would react. I don't act on these desires, I've never planned to.

I tried mentioning it to my therapist the other day, that I often and for years experience episodes of apathy and violent thoughts, without getting too specific. My therapist says it's normal for people to have violent thoughts, especially towards people who deserve it. Like a vigilante justice feeling or something similar. The problem is it *isn't* rooted in the desire for justice. If felt like he was trying to convince himself these thoughts came from a justified place. They don't.

I feel like people don't understand when I say we should do x y and z to rapists I'm entirely serious. I'm of the belief that they're inhuman mentally, especially regarding those who abuse children, and thus don't deserve to be treated with the same respect as those part of our human society. I think the best way to handle them would be to put them into fields where using humans to further science would usually be deemed unethical and utilize and experiment on them. I know realistically there are ways the government would use this to take advantage of normal people, we've seen mkultra, but in an idealistic world I think this would be the only way to handle rapists.