AITA for not going to my friend’s birthday party?
My friend and I have been very close and spent almost every day together for the last 9 months. On May 1st, I told my friend that I already had another party to attend that weekend and that I probably would not be able to go to both events. At that point, her birthday plans were not even fully finalized yet. The other event was a reunion of sorts and an opportunity to see several friends I hadn’t seen since graduation. A few days before the birthday, she finalized her plans and invited me. At that point, I was still trying to figure out whether attending both events was realistic. Originally, when I looked up the drive, I thought it would be around 35 minutes, which seemed manageable. However, once I got the actual address, the drive turned out to be about 53 minutes each way.
Based on when I would realistically be able to leave, I wouldn’t have arrived until around 2:20 PM and would have had to leave again not long afterward. From my perspective, that meant spending nearly two hours driving for less than an hour at the party.I ultimately decided not to go and attended the other event. Afterward, my friend told me that she had changed some of her birthday plans, including canceling a lunch with her mom, so that I could attend. However, I did not know she had done that at the time. While I appreciate the thought, I don’t think it’s reasonable to plan an entire birthday around the schedule of one person, especially when I had already said weeks earlier that I probably would not be able to attend both events. She has also compared my situation to other people she knows. For example, she mentioned a friend who drove three hours after working a 12-hour shift in order to show up for someone. Her point was that people make sacrifices for those they care about. My view is that while that’s admirable, I don’t think someone else’s decision automatically sets the standard for every friendship or situation.
My friend was very upset. She feels that if the roles were reversed, she would have found a way to attend both events, even if it meant arriving late or leaving early. She believes my decision showed that I didn’t prioritize her enough and that the effort she puts into our friendship isn’t reciprocated. My perspective is that choosing to see friends I hadn’t seen in a long time doesn’t mean I value her less. We had spent almost every day together for the previous 9 months, and I don’t think one decision about one day erases the effort I’ve put into the friendship overall. I’ve apologized for hurting her feelings and explained my reasoning, but the conversation keeps coming back to the idea that I should have made it work no matter what.