u/Due-War-1567

I '28M' feel completely directionless. I survived childhood abuse, carried my family’s financial ruin, and am finally debt-free—but the emotional damage is catching up, leaving me hyper-vigilant and unable to trust.

Growing up, my dad beat me up regularly (as far as I remember) for failing to meet academic expectations. I was constantly compared unfavorably to my "obedient" younger brother. For my mom's sake, I pushed through, found my footing, and finished school strong.

But the betrayal ran deeper than abuse. When I was 15, while my dad was away, I caught my mom making out with my dad’s younger brother.I don't know why she did it at that time. I was furious but stayed silent, knowing my dad would never believe me and I’d just get beaten. I’ve carried this secret for 17 years.I haven't confronted my mom about it as well.

In university, my dad’s ego led him into stock trading, accumulating massive debt. When I started working, I discovered the financial ruin. After clearing my own student loans, I spent years paying off my parents' mortgages and debts.

During the height of this financial crunch (compounded by COVID), my brother '30M' demanded my parents to support his immediate marriage. When they couldn’t, he walked out. Devastated, my parents—who always loved him more—finally began to appreciate me. But before leaving, my brother threw me under the bus, exposing my private dating struggles to our parents to paint himself as a "saint." We haven’t spoken in 6.5 years.It was a huge life lesson for me back then.

I spent my entire adult life fixing my dad's mistakes, sacrificing my early career growth. I became entirely debt-free a year ago and have zero respect for him. My mom is holding onto life for my sake, desperate for me to settle down, but our history is complicated.

Because I used dating as a distraction during family crises, I've never been in a long-term relationship. I tried dating again recently, but it went poorly. I find it incredibly difficult to trust or feel secure. I constantly overthink, keeping it inside so I don't appear desperate.

Professionally, I’m navigating a decent job but need to scale up to adapt to artificial intelligence. To stay grounded, I hit the gym, football, cooking, and kickboxing. But emotionally, I am stuck. The people who were supposed to protect me—my dad, mom, and brother—all broke my trust.I do have some really good friends I can trust who always had my back when I was going through all this and really grateful I have them in my life.

I moved to a different country last year to get some distance from my family and hopefully I get to keep this distance since I don't think I can never live close to them again.

Now that I am no longer living just to pay off someone else’s mistakes, how do I overcome this deep-seated hyper-vigilance? How do I learn to trust a partner when my entire foundation was built on secrets, abuse, and betrayal? How do I figure out what I want for my life?

Sorry for the long rant and honestly don't know who else I can tell this to. 😖😖 TL; DR

I (28M) feel completely directionless. I survived childhood abuse, carried my family’s financial ruin, and am finally debt-free—but the emotional damage is catching up, leaving me hyper-vigilant and unable to trust.

Growing up, my dad beat me up regularly (as far as I remember) for failing to meet academic expectations. I was constantly compared unfavorably to my "obedient" younger brother. For my mom's sake, I pushed through, found my footing, and finished school strong.

But the betrayal ran deeper than abuse. When I was 15, while my dad was away, I caught my mom making out with my dad’s younger brother.I don't know why she did it at that time. I was furious but stayed silent, knowing my dad would never believe me and I’d just get beaten. I’ve carried this secret for 17 years.I haven't confronted my mom about it as well.

In university, my dad’s ego led him into stock trading, accumulating massive debt. When I started working, I discovered the financial ruin. After clearing my own student loans, I spent years paying off my parents' mortgages and debts.

During the height of this financial crunch (compounded by COVID), my brother demanded my parents to support his immediate marriage. When they couldn’t, he walked out. Devastated, my parents—who always loved him more—finally began to appreciate me. But before leaving, my brother threw me under the bus, exposing my private dating struggles to our parents to paint himself as a "saint." We haven’t spoken in 6.5 years.It was a huge life lesson for me back then.

I spent my entire adult life fixing my dad's mistakes, sacrificing my early career growth. I became entirely debt-free a year ago and have zero respect for him. My mom is holding onto life for my sake, desperate for me to settle down, but our history is complicated.

Because I used dating as a distraction during family crises, I've never been in a long-term relationship. I tried dating again recently, but it went poorly. I find it incredibly difficult to trust or feel secure. I constantly overthink, keeping it inside so I don't appear desperate.

Professionally, I’m navigating a decent job but need to scale up to adapt to artificial intelligence. To stay grounded, I hit the gym, football, cooking, and kickboxing. But emotionally, I am stuck. The people who were supposed to protect me—my dad, mom, and brother—all broke my trust.I do have some really good friends I can trust who always had my back when I was going through all this and really grateful I have them in my life.

I moved to a different country last year to get some distance from my family and hopefully I get to keep this distance since I don't think I can never live close to them again.

Now that I am no longer living just to pay off someone else’s mistakes, how do I overcome this deep-seated hyper-vigilance? How do I learn to trust a partner when my entire foundation was built on secrets, abuse, and betrayal? How do I figure out what I want for my life?

Sorry for the long rant and honestly don't know who else I can tell this to. 😖😖 TL; DR