AITA for not being there for my brother after his divorce?
I’m the youngest of 5 and this brother (let’s call him Jake) never had a good relationship with me growing up. I never wanted to be home alone with him, I had a traumatizing experience with him as a kid that made me see him (and all men) differently so I kept my distance. I told my parents about said experience and they didn’t believe me, and my brother went along with that. fast forward to us as adults, he got married to a girl he met at a bible college (we all grew up Christian), and she’s super cool and fun. I was intimidated by her at first cause I genuinely thought she’s too cool, but we vibed really well and we got to really know each other. I had a low point in college that made me come back home and when I did, she actually was one of the few people that was there for me during that low point (taking me out, going shopping, having deep talks). My brother wasn’t really in any of these scenarios, he was more in the background, but we always kept things cordial. I got in a serious relationship and again she was one of my few supporters and at the time her and my brother were a package deal so we would go places together. we all got along well and I was glad to have support from them since a lot of people including some family didn’t support me at the time. So I paid that forward and decided to give more effort into my brother than I usually do in conversation. another Fast forward, i got married and we’re still cool with them. Family problems come up, and one thing me and jake could relate on is how we viewed our dad. that would be our conversations, along with him sometimes talking about his relationship and honestly just mainly things about him. There was a point he started going to therapy and it brought him to a place of finally Apologizing for what he did to me when i Was a kid. It honestly threw me off guard because I never said a word about it to anyone and I think my brain tried to get convinced my whole life that it didn’t happen since I was basically gaslit into believing that. So I feel like outwardly I tried to brush it off and say it’s fine while my brain actually was still trying to process that. Cause it felt like since he finally acknowledged that it really did happen and I got that apology it was like I could finally start truly healing from it instead of throwing it in the back of my mind to erase it. So I was in a tough place where I’m giving a response that I felt I was trained to give, while trying to allow myself to process that. I even almost felt like comforting him because I had empathy that he felt bad for it. It was really twisted. but I feel like I had that reaction because of how I was raised as well. i continued being there for him even after I’m trying to process this, and not long after, he started seeing the unraveling of his relationship. I think his wife had been feeling this and was open to him about how she’s been feeling for A long time but he was always in denial and never thought she would actually divorce him Or they would say they’d fix things that never truly got fixed It seemed. It got to a point where they were just both unhealthy for each other. she told me about How she was feeling during one of our girls nights and I didn’t really say much, I just listened. And honestly, my first reaction is that I was so sad at the thought of her not being in the family anymore cause she genuinely became family to me. I listened and I didn’t try to sway her in any direction, i was just being there listening to her vent cause she really seemed so sad and hurt that it got to that point as well. I didn’t feel it’s my place to announce anything to anyone so I stayed quiet about it, and after she had the talk with my brother is when he finally came to me to tell me about it. But he came in a way that wasn’t venting, but seemed like he wanted validation or Idk the vibes felt off. I was there for him and listened the same exact way I did with her. after he left it felt weird. And then I started to see it in every interaction after that. He wouldn’t be venting to me or opening up, he would try digging up information from me about her or using me to get to her and I didn’t like that so I had to draw a boundary that I can still be there for him but that I didn’t want Him to be pressing me with questions about her. And it was the same vice versa I didn’t tell her things about him either. I was trying to keep it neutral, because he’s my brother and she’s like a best friend To me. But he ignored that and still kept crossing the line. I felt like I didn’t know what to do cause now it felt disrespectful to me but I felt like I had to still stay nice cause he’s going thru a hard time. our Conversations weren’t even good anymore, he’d start with a general “hey how’s (my sons name)” then go straight into pressing me about her And acted like I’m the problem if I didn’t give him what he wanted. I was being very careful with my words cause I didn’t want to be aggressive but I did have to keep reminding him of my boundary. I didn’t want to allow anyone to be treating me that way. He would end up attacking me, my character, assuming things about me like it’s fact, and started treating me horribly. In my head i kept trying to give him a pass because I know that hurt people hurt people And I’ve been there before too. I reminded him I’ve gone thru Emotions where I hurt people when I was hurt like that and reminding him it’s not okay but that I can still be here for him without him treating me like that. Anything I said went over his head because I think he had whatever in his mind made up about me already and a whole narrative he stuck to. It seems like he also told that narrative to whoever else possibly in the family cause I could feel the vibes were just off. me and my husband ended up pregnant with our second, and I already have some health problems and it’s another high risk pregnancy So for the duration of my pregnancy i was obviously focused on staying healthy and just taking care of me and my family. Later on I learned from Jake that he took that as me not being there for him since I wasn’t reaching out as much (I did reach out a couple time but the same things would happen), and I honestly didn’t like being around his negative energy as much at such a sensitive time for my pregnancy. I even would low key have anxiety attacks whenever I saw him calling because I knew exactly how the conversation would already go. More crossing boundaries, more attacking my character, more assumptions. it Was tough too because this version of him I started seeing felt like the same person that traumatized me as a kid. But I felt like I couldn’t use that as an excuse for anything so I held my tongue on bringing it up. He was being very controlling, very manipulative esp with the family and a few times with my husband, and honestly felt like he was using me kinda like his punching bag almost as if it was my fault they were divorcing. after my baby’s Birth and everything I still gave him a few more chances to see if it’s possible for us to have a healthy relationship. he Never followed up on that until right before my family was moving. So we’re literally packing up our whole home, a toddler and newborn and now having to juggle setting aside this time to see if we can be at a healthy place. my husband honestly didn’t even want me to go and that we don’t have time for this (he was supposed to come too but he stayed to pack and do the kids bedtime). I told jake I only wanted to talk if a therapist or pastor was present so he found a Pastor that was also his friend and we met up. He said his piece, that honestly showed a lot of how he viewed our relationship. I think he barely knows me, cause everything was usually talking about him or him asking about my son. I also set a boundary with my son because I did not feel comfortable with the situation at that point and with how much he hurt my family. all I mainly said was that I wanted a healthy relationship with him if that’s possible. And he kept going back to that if I’m friends with his now ex wife than i cant be there for him. I told him I can, and Im capable of separating the two relationships, it’s just up to him if him and I could have a healthy relationship. But he held onto the idea that I cannot have a relationship with both of them. Mind you, I barely even talk to her now too since she moved further away and the whole situation already seemed messy. But I still considered her my friend and he didn’t like that. i Told him my relationship with her is completely separate than my relationship with him. And he’s been directly hurting him and I‘s relationship with how he’s been treating me. Whatever happened between them two should not be taken out on me and isn’t an excuse to treat me horribly. He kinda gave a quick sorry for how he’s treated me then immediately went back to asking if I would cut her off. I could already tell this cannot be healthy and he’s just not in a space yet where he could have a healthy relationship with me. when I wouldn’t give in to what he wanted he would say “well I guess we’re at an impasse” I reminded him again I have no problem being there for him if we can have a healthy relationship where there’s mutual respect and he would just keep going back to me needing to cut her off or else I’m not a good sister and I’m not there for him. what’s kinda funny too is the one thing we related on which is how badly my dad treated us, is actually how he was acting. it was like talking to a wall and he was stuck on this idea and its either his way or the highway. it kinda just ended like that, I let the pastor know I am concerned for him but I genuinely cannot allow myself to keep being treated that way when all I want is a healthy relationship with him, and I genuinely want him to be healthy and get some therapy to help him out. so now my family moved away, no one in the family really reached out to me since we moved so idk and I try to not care whatever is being said about me anymore. I do feel bad that he wouldn’t let me be there for him, I do feel bad for him that he’s not even receiving the help I offered just because I consider his ex wife my friend still. which I never even talked about her or bragged about our relationship or did anything to rub her in his face. I would never do that. it’s a completely separate relationship that he started messing up our own relationship over himself. it was all about his mindset, cause even if i did exactly what he said, the truth is I’d still be left with a relationship with someone that was hurting me and my family, attacking my character and using me. so I had to make the decision to stop contact with him. if he ever reached out I’m completely open to it just literally on the same terms that we can be healthy and respectful, that’s it.