My situation, and why I am feeling so conflicted in life
I will keep this somewhat short because i've basically have been spiraling around all of for a couple of days and i'm really just tired, so i'm sorry if this because a long yap.
So basically to start this i should go all the way to the beginning. So currently i am 19M and am bi sexual as of June 2026, this all starts in October of 2024. I met this girl, this classmate of mine and we started talking, i was really conflicted on how i felt about her and my feelings towards myself, because for years i have been struggling with my appearance, body dysmorphia,, my family life, depression and anxiety, as well as being dyslexic but that doesn't really come into play right now. when we first started talking i was not sure how to go about any of it, i've never had a girlfriend, i was dealing with my own thoughts and so i was nervous because the relationship felt so natural and didn't really start until early April of 2025 (we called it official then) the relationship was great, we talked about our mental health struggles, family struggles and really bonded over all of that, i quickly feel in love. now, she has BPD, which heightens emotions a a lot, let's call my partner Y. Y with having BPD is just a few months younger than me, is also bisexual, and has had 3 partners before me. these were all boyfriend, and all of her boyfriends were not great people, i won't get into what, but consent being broken all happened with them and her, and her telling me this i always wanted to make her comfortable in life and feel comfortable with me.
As we started dating the dynamic did change, not negatively but not all to positively. the main things that changed was how we interacted with eachother, it was like we've been dating for years, it felt nice but also weird because this again was my first relationship ever, and i feel in love with this girl so much because she was honestly so perfect. In late May to June bad stuff happened though. prior to going back to school in 2024, that summer i had a problem, i wouldn't say i was addicted to nsfw stuff, but i was abusing it, on going into the 2024-2025 school year i stopped all of that, i hated how it made me feel and honestly it was disgusting, i hated everything about it. Y in late may and june found out about it, there was past likes that were still shown to be tied to me and it made her extremely uncomfortable and upset, rightfully so though as it did the same thing to me. he had never actually been inanimate with eachother (which i thought was normal) i didn't know that she was feeling like it was a problem, we've talked about intimacy before and after all of that, but this definitely took a toll on our relationship.
about 3 weeks later it's prom night, we had discussed getting a hotel room for that night because we would be up late and we didn't want our parents getting us that late, because honestly our parents would do it but would not be happy (we live in a rural town 25 minutes away from where the prom was) the event was nice, my girlfriend and i had a good time, she looked amazing, we matched, and i felt very confident and happy being with her. that night when we got to the hotel room we didn't know what to do, or at least i didn't know, we put on the tv and just hung out for a bit until we felt like "maybe we should be intimate?" i honestly had no idea what to do, i knew basic stuff because we've talked about this, and i'm not going to get into it at all, but we stopped because it felt awkward. we absolutely loved eachother a lot, and the whole thing makes me confused in hindsight, idk. anyways, she started to break down and cry, which is not at all what i wanted for her, i didn't want her to feel bad, so i did console her, she said it helped, we ended up going to bed and the next day was a little awkward but we were fine.
the following month's we we're taking steps of intimacy, because at this point we were both 18 and that is typically the height of people feeling intimate with eachother, so we took slow steps to get there, i never wanted to make her upset or uncomfortable with anything i was doing, that lays deep in my mind as well as hers through past situations that we've both experienced. overtime things happened but this isn't about that, i just wanted to explain the situation.
we broke up early march of this year, it was days before 11 months. she broke up with me which was sad, and i was still trying to fight frye relationship, but ultimately i did come to erma that day that we were done. that particular day i was a mess because i had gotten into an argument with my mom, a big one and all i wanted was my girlfriend but i was surprised by the break up. that day was tough, the break up wasn't random though, although yes it was random, we had been in a tense situation for about a week prior, and so i completely understand why it happened that day. that day we broke up i really couldn't face her or anything so we ended up blocking eachother, she suggested that we stay friends because she does like me as a person still, but i was a bit of an unreasonable person and just straight up blocked her. i never had any negative feelings towards her before or after breaking up.
but here's what's the problem and why i am feeling so bad about myself and im going to be honest, i have had some dark thoughts. my sister was saying some hurtful things about my ex and i but i've since stepped away from sharing anything with my sister because it would just go sideways.
about a month and some time after we broke up i still missed her. because we had both blocked eachother almost everywhere, i ended up writing a properly worded letter and sending it to her. i know that seems like weird, but i specified in the letter that i really don't want to push her into anything but if she would be open to being friends again, i unblocked her on everything so if she would want to reach out she can. a week later she sent me an instagram message basically saying how she was not expecting a letter and how at the time of getting it it did rub her the wrong way, i apologized, but ultimately she wasn't sure about being friends again because of my sister. apparently my sister was saying some bad things publicly and it got back to Y and rightfully so upset her. i honestly had no idea about all of this, i had told my sister never to say anything negative about Y because one she had no position too, and two there wasn't really anything negative needing to be said. Y and i talked a bit and i basically said how i have stepped away from my sister because we've been getting into fights etc and basically Y was explaining why she was hurt and that it really had nothing to do with me but idk.
about 2 weeks later i was going through my instagram and noticed a collection of saved reels that we had collaborated on, i deleted it and it sent a notification to our chat that i did so, she obviously noticed, we talked about it, had some laughs, and she said that she would want to be friends again, and so we started talking again. for the past couple of days we've been talking, i've been asking her how her life has been, and honestly that was a bit of a mistake. my life has been extremely boring and depressing, i'm again struggling with that and so talking to her made me feel better, but i honestly realized that my feelings are not gone.
we got to talking about her and i subconsciously regret asking. she said that she has been clubbing almost every weekend, fair, we talked about doing that together so that was a little upsetting. but the thing that really upset me was this, 2 days after we broke up, her friends dragged her out clubbing (cliche stuff) but how she still felt bad about the breakup, but she got drunk and had fun and met this guy. she said that they only talked and dated for about a month, but that they were extremely intimate, and even after breaking up with this guy, has had other intimate experiences with other guys. that was extremely upsetting to hear, because i still care about Y so much, as well as when we were talking in the beginning of our relationship, we both agreed that quickly dating like that is terrifying and that we wouldn't be into that, and so for this to happen really confused me for a lot of reasons. i feel bad though, because she wasn't going to share any of that, but still feeling very conflicted on our relationship, i wanted her to.
this part might be too much for people, so you might want to skip this paragraph. but she explained to me that the first guy was into oral, no one wants to hear about their ex girlfriend whom they still have feelings with talk about this, but anyway. she said that she did, and it went fine but immediately after she broke down crying, because again, we have had serious discussions about intimacy and there being a connection there to feel comfortable, what's worse is that tge guy didnt help, she explained to me that his sex drive is really high and so she just pushed through and got over it. that made me frustrated to hear, she then said how she is into CNC, i knew this obviously, but one night she was with this guy and she wasn't feeling it but it started to happen and she got upset and shut it down. now for context, prior to dating me, she had 3 boyfriends, all of which had breached consent, i'm glad to say i never did. but she explained to me that she was obviously upset but she was thinking that maybe it was a her thing and maybe a miscommunication, and basically, the guy she was with did not respect her boundaries but fell back on the "of it was a miscommunication" i said to her "Y, i know you, i honestly it is not a you thing, please don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt for doing that, because with you it is clear what is happening" she respond positively to that and thanked me on the input. she then talked about other sexual things in her life and it made me feel weird.
us getting this deep again, it made me feel the exact way when we first started talking going into dating. and the way she was talking and responding to what i was saying, it all felt weird.
i honestly just don't know what to do with my feelings, because talking to her brings happiness to me, but also insane jealousy and fomo and frankly just that yearn of being with her and talking with her in these way. so if anyone has anything to say or ask, i want to hear it and understand what to do.