u/EHG123

I (30M) have been dating my partner (27NB) for about a year and we've been quickly moving up the "relationship escalator". We've met each other's friends and family and all get along well. They're very caring, loving, smart, supportive, and funny. We communicate and handle conflict well. We were planning on moving in together in the next couple months to live with my family in another state and had discussed marriage and children in the future (with them carrying).

I'd known that their mental health isn't good, including depression and occasional dissociation, possibly on the autism spectrum, and that they need a lot of emotional support. They've survived CSA, shitty and abusive past partners, and their parents are not emotionally mature or good at emotionally supporting them. They've also been inpatient at psych wards twice before I met them for manic episodes triggered by marijuana. They've also been in therapy and have been taking medications including a mood stabilizer. I don't know if they've been diagnosed with bipolar, but according to my therapist and a doctor in my family they likely have it.

Even under normal circumstances it can feel a bit much for me, and I've often worried about them being too close to codependent on me. In particular it sometimes reminds of a past toxically codependent friendship I was in with someone very mentally ill, and an ex long term-fwb who had borderline personality disorder. But dating me seemed to provide the emotional stability in their life to grow more and work through deeper stuff in therapy.

A couple weeks ago we went on a trip to the other side of the world with some family of mine and my sibling's in-laws. From the start it was rough for them with the long journey and 12-hour time difference upsetting their sleep cycle (a known trigger) and their medication schedule, and the tropical weather was intense. They were overall emotionally fragile, and very aware and empathetic of the (perceived) emotional needs of everyone in our group, in particular some troubling family dynamics among my in-laws. And needed a lot more caretaking from me while being somewhat crabby towards me and generally a bit different than their normal self.

Several days into the trip they got badly dehydrated which spiraled into full mania with psychosis. Fortunately they were not belligerent, but acting like a petulant, loopy, 4 year old. My mom (a doctor, thank God) and I immediately got flights to take them home. Caring for them and getting them home safely, on three long flights with no sleep, wrangling them through multiple airports, all while they were acutely psychotic, completely unable to take care of themself, and somewhat resistant to direction, was a traumatically stressful and scary experience for me and I don't know if I could endure it again without my head exploding. Eventually we got them home to their parents, they got treated at a psych crisis center, and are recovering at their home. I've been gradually decompressing over the past week. They're apologetic and deeply grateful but we've have had little contact in order to give me space to process.

Since that episode I've been reconsidering the future of my relationship with them. I love them deeply but I'm worried that I won't be able to give them the care and patience they deserve. I'm worried that they're not emotionally independent enough to be a good match for me, and I know that I can go too far into taking on a caretaker role to my own detriment. I'm worried that the upcoming move wouldn't be good for them as they'd be further from their support system and just with me and my family, which could also push me into an even greater emotional caretaker role. I'm also worried that pregnancy and postpartum could cause psychosis, and that the stress and sleeplessness of raising young children could trigger it.

In short I really love them and want them in my life, but the prospect of having them as a life partner is scary and stressful. I'm not sure how to proceed. I'd want to be with someone who's thriving before dating me, and from a selfish perspective, in an easier relationship. I'm not looking for any specific advice but would appreciate whatever thoughts you have to share.

I (30M) have been dating my partner (27NB) for about a year and we've been quickly moving up the "relationship escalator". We've met each other's friends and family and all get along well. They're very caring, loving, smart, supportive, and funny. We communicate and handle conflict well. We were planning on moving in together in the next couple months to live with my family in another state and had discussed marriage and children in the future (with them carrying).

I'd known that their mental health isn't good, including depression and dissociation, possibly on the autism spectrum, and that they need a lot of emotional support. They've survived CSA, shitty and abusive past partners, and their parents are not emotionally mature or good at emotionally supporting them. They've also been inpatient at psych wards twice before I met them for manic episodes triggered by marijuana. They've also been in therapy and have been taking medications including a mood stabilizer.

Even under normal circumstances it can feel a bit much for me, and I've often worried about them being too close to codependent on me. In particular it sometimes reminds of a past toxically codependent friendship I was in with someone very mentally ill, and an ex long term-fwb who had borderline personality disorder. But dating me seemed to provide the emotional stability in their life to grow more and work through deeper stuff in therapy. I don't know if they've been diagnosed with bipolar, but according to my therapist and a doctor in my family they likely have it.

A couple weeks ago we went on a trip to the other side of the world with some family of mine and my sibling's in-laws. From the start it was rough for them with the long journey and 12-hour time difference upsetting their sleep cycle (a known trigger) and their medication schedule, and the tropical weather was intense. They were overall emotionally fragile, and very aware and empathetic of the (perceived) emotional needs of everyone in our group, in particular some troubling family dynamics among my in-laws. And needed a lot more caretaking from me while being somewhat crabby towards me and generally a bit different than their normal self.

Several days into the trip they got badly dehydrated which spiraled into full mania with psychosis. Fortunately they were not belligerent, but acting like a petulant, loopy, 4 year old. My mom (a doctor, thank God) and I immediately got flights to take them home. Caring for them and getting them home safely, on three long flights with no sleep, wrangling them through multiple airports, all while they were acutely psychotic, completely unable to take care of themself, and somewhat resistant to direction, was a traumatically stressful and scary experience for me and I don't know if I could endure it again without my head exploding. Eventually we got them home to their parents, they got treated at a psych crisis center, and are recovering at their home. I've been gradually decompressing over the past week. They're apologetic and deeply grateful but we've have had little contact since for my sake.

Since that episode I've been reconsidering the future of my relationship with them. I love them deeply but I'm worried that I won't be able to give them the care and patience they deserve. I'm worried that they're not emotionally independent enough to be a good match for me, and I know that I can go too far into taking on a caretaker role to my own detriment. I'm worried that the upcoming move wouldn't be good for them as they'd be further from their support system and just with me and my family, which could also push me into an even greater emotional caretaker role. I'm also worried that pregnancy and postpartum could cause psychosis, and that the stress and sleeplessness of raising young children could trigger it.

In short I really love them and want them in my life, but the prospect of having them as a life partner is scary and stressful. I'm not sure how to proceed. I'd want to be with someone who's thriving before dating me, and from a selfish perspective, someone who's easy to be with. I'm not looking for any specific advice but would appreciate whatever thoughts you have to share.