Don’t want kids at all
Let me start from the beginning. My mom died by suicide when I was 7, and my dad remarried when I was 13. My stepmother was selfish and left me and my sister a week after my dad passed away in 2020. I had been suicidal since I was 19 and even had several near-death experiences. In a way, my mother became my role model. But after a really bad breakup in 2020, I stopped wanting to die. I thought it was a wake-up call, that I had changed and was finally growing up. Two years later, I married my husband. We had talked a lot about having kids 2–3 years into the marriage, and at the time, I was completely okay with it. But after marriage, the suicidal thoughts came back. We’re now in our third year, and the discussion about kids has come up again. I’m terrified I’ll do to my children what my mother did to me. I’m scared that one day, even a small inconvenience could push me over the edge and I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I tried therapy, but nothing really changed. The thoughts always come back. I told my husband all of this. I told him I don’t want to have kids because I don’t want to take that chance. He was devastated. He thinks I might change my mind someday, but I honestly don’t think I will. I told him that too. I even gave him the option to leave the marriage if having children is a dealbreaker for him. He said he loves me and that he won’t die if he doesn’t have kids. But he said it with tears in his eyes. He told me he needs time maybe 6 months to a year to figure out how he feels. I’m scared this decision I made for both of us will slowly make him resent me. The guilt is killing me, and I don’t know what to do.