I started this game in January. At the beginning, the game felt fun to play since there were new things for me to explore. I tried every hero to understand basic abilities and played in quickplay to understand the game. Although I occasionally got stomped, it was still fun. I decided to try ranked to see my skill level, got placed in gold, and ranked up to plat 3 with no issue in the beginning. Then I began to get stuck there. Putting effort into every match but still losing half of them frustrated me, and I began to search for tutorials and coaching to help me get better. Eventually, after trying so hard and learning everything as fast as I could, I climbed to diamond 5 in all roles.
But at what cost?
I’m in my last year before graduating as a college student. Since I finished my courses early, I’ve been mostly free this quarter, which gave me a lot of time. Before playing this game, I had hobbies like snowboarding and mountain biking. I made a promise to spend my time improving those skills. However, due to climate issues, the snow came late where I live this year, which led me to try OW to pass the time. After I started, I spent all my time on it trying to improve, and procrastinated on my other hobbies and things I should do, such as preparing for graduation. In the end, after the snow season ended, I had only snowboarded for one day and wasted my $600 resort pass. Now I’m about to graduate and move to another place, and I haven’t even gone mountain biking in any park yet.
Is it worth it?
I often question this, especially during losing streaks. Initially, I was frustrated over losing streaks and made posts to complain. But after so many repeated cycles, I became numb. Even when winning streaks come, I don’t feel happy because they are anticipated. With the feeling that rank numbers don’t matter, I feel lost about the goal of continuing to play this game. I know there is still a long way before reaching GM. Then I look at all the other things I sacrificed not to do, and I repeatedly ask myself if it is worth it. If I am optimistic, I would say yes, since I could maybe start a career as a streamer or coach once I reach GM. If I am honest with myself, no, it’s not worth it. Having a career from it won’t happen since my family doesn’t support it, the game is unstable and likely to decline in the future, and I likely won't reach to high level due to not having enough time in graduate school.
As this self-questioning happens more and more frequently, I made this post.
Do I feel fun playing the game? No. The moment I started playing comp and caring about winning, and the moment I learned all the abilities of every hero, the fun started to decline. The thing that keeps me playing is ranking up, proving I’m good, proving I’m better than others. But the speed of getting to that level actually surprised me (I’m not going to lie, I thought I could climb to GM in four months since I climbed to Celestial in Marvel Rival in three months). I understand it’s time to quit and put effort into something more worthwhile that can bring me value in real life.
But I can’t quit
The sunk cost effect is affecting me seriously. If I quit, it means all the effort I put into this game over the past four months is wasted. Moreover, it also feels like admitting that I’m not as talented as I thought, that I’m not good, not better than others, not special, and that I’m arrogant. This is not the first time this has happened. Similar things happened back in high school when I was grinding Apex, and last year in Marvel Rival. I quit for similar reasons, but I never thought about it this thoroughly until now. But it’s harder to quit this time because it adds another layer, showing that I didn’t learn from my previous mistakes.
I’m arrogant. I’m stupid. I’m nothing special. I wasted four month doing nothing meanwhile other same age people are mature and focusing on their real life.
Even my writing is trash in this post that can be improved if I used that time to improve.
Why am I making this post?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m trying to make a promise. Maybe I think I can quit after seeing some comments. Maybe I hope to see some good advice or people with similar experience. Maybe I’m just trying to reflect and show others how I understand myself. Or maybe I just want someone to know what happened to me, even though nobody cares. Maybe I'm a poor attention seeker.