knitting is soooo scaarryyyyy!!1!
I can't even look at the pointy needles! i'm too afraid of stabbing myself lol
blocking activates my previous life trauma of being waterboarded by lavender-scented suds, so that's out. I plan to never wash the sweater i have knit from raw wool, obviously without gauge swatching or learning how to use a pattern. you will need to explain why it's six inches too long for me and five feet too wide. Measurements are just created by the fashion industry to confuse people anyway.
I will also need a custom, slow-motion, step-by-step video tutorial done in three different angles by four separate creators for the exact same (paid) pattern, but they have to be free because i'm on a budget and can't pay anyone for intellectual labor. bonus if they can use my name in a kind and soothing tone, like I am a spooked horse.
I also can't read, not because i am physically unable, but because reading a pattern is the truest hallmark of an elitist and snobby craft.