I went camping with my ex and it was the most beautiful day of my life
We broke up last last tuesday, on th 5th. Went camping on the 8th. We were the typical Anxious-avoidant couple and fell into the typical traps. We met volunteering and had a lovely slowburn as we worked and lived together in a cabin.. I still remember how we got together. I reached out for his hand and suddenly we were hugging and cuddling.
The next 6 months were mostly wonderful, He moved across the country to be with me, We were both in shitty living situations but being together made all of it worth it. But moving to a place where you have no support network kicked his depression into overdrive. He withdrew, I chased. I tried to break it off after a massive trigger, we tried to work through it for a month but he never really emotionally reinvested while I was begging to repair.
I asked him what he wanted in a
relationship and he had no answer. So we went camping to say our goodbyes. It was so bittersweet how easily we fell into our usual rhythm, and how fun it was to be around him. We both cried a lot. he held me as we slept and occasionally squeezed me in that way that meant “youre safe, I have you.”
On the ride home, he talked about how emotionally stunted he felt, and In response I played the Smiths (lol) . He suddenly started sobbing, and I did too, and we wailed the whole ride home. He said he was still in love with me, how he wouldn’t break up if he wasn’t dealing with his head, how he didnt want to lose the connection we had. When I approached his place I made a couple of missed turns just to stay with him longer. We were both laughing and crying at the absurdity of it all.
He was my first everything, and I his. The day after I remember waking up and feeling so immensely grateful to him and the time we shared together, and so excited to rediscover myself who I forgot in my anxious attachment obsessions. but then I started hooking up, and today I can’t stop thinking about him. I don’t think I miss him, i just feel so sorrowful about it all. My family isnt helping. My mom texted him saying he was still her future son in law, and ny grandmother keeps saying that maybe it could work out in the future when he gets his head in order.
I dont know! I know he has traits that arent great. After camping, I had a panic attack at this diner we went to for breakfast. I couldn’t eat anything. He told me that he felt anger at me for crying in public and making him feel judged by others, and also said he hated himself for thinking so selfishly, and that this way of thinking was a prime example of why he sucked for me. But also, he moved me next to him and rubbed circles on my back and breathed with me until I was ok. He has all these jagged edges but was also undeniably tender and so so sweet. What am i supposed to do with all that? I don’t want to be with him right now but I still think of him as my future husband. I have sex with strangers hoping to find him in them. Im so sick of being like this. Every day is up and down and up. I want to check up on him and see if he’s rotting away in his depression. I care for him so much. I keep thinking of memories and laughing and crying. One time he farted as we were cuddling and and we both laughed and retched from the smell while cuddling eachother. I don’t know if i can ever be that intimate with someone again.