tw: suicidal mentions
i've had a lot on my mind recently.
for context, i'm currently a y1 in an IT diploma that's really quite good among the other courses. initially, it wasn't my plan to take up IT. i performed significantly better for my o levels, scoring l1r4 raw 7. so i diverted from my original plan of going into a business course with due help from my parents' advice.
don't get me wrong, i love my parents. they put a roof over my head, love me and still forgive me even when i have made so many mistakes. it's just been getting so hard to keep staying alive. undeniably, i have it so much easier than some of my friends or what my parents went through when they were younger. i just hate how angry and guilty they make me feel all the time. every time when i do something wrong, they point out something else completely unrelated just to poke me further. it's wrong when i cry alone in my room, it's wrong when i have something i enjoy doing, it's wrong when yada yada yada.
it didn't help that my mental health has been tanking ever since sec 4. constantly fighting with them every other day, facing the music just because i wanted to go to school. but every other day i steeled myself, telling myself that i had to be empathetic, i had to understand from their point of view, that they have lived far longer than i have. it was so hard to focus on studying for o levels when i had to be a good daughter to my parents, be a good best friend to my friends, be a good girlfriend to my ex.
it's gotten worse ever since i started poly. i feel like i've regressed academically. i'm losing my focus, i'm procrastinating again, i can't store information in my brain, i can't think or analyse properly. alright, it's my fault, i didn't utilise my brain during the four month break. but with the added pressure of being in such a high tier course, maintaining a good gpa, joining multiple ccas, applying for scholarships, i feel like i don't have it in me anymore. i even started self-harming this year. not just that, i've thought about it all — drowning, jumping, overdosing, slitting my wrist. i know i'll end up in hell anyway. i feel such guilt for not praying, i don't have it in me anymore. i feel like i'm stuck in perpetual motion, plastering a smile over my face just so my parents don't bombard me with a million questions and make me feel invalid about my depression or bpd or whatever the fuck i potentially have or maybe it's just burnout.
and they'll invalidate my burnout by saying you should have listened when i told you to take a break. but how can i take a break when you want me to do my very best?
tldr: academic pressure, family issues, internal conflict.