u/Easy_Sleep6732

I've recently figured out what I am, I'm a nonbinary but I lean femme pretty heavily and want to eventually go by she/they and a different name.

But it's so difficult

The last few weeks have been rough for me, I lost a friend who went down the Alt Right Pipeline and treated me like a stranger despite us knowing each other for 6 years.

I vent to my friends, but they have their own lives and often don't respond or take a long time too

My mom is terrible and now she knows, she considers herself "progressive" but yet when she found out I'm trans said she was sad for me, said I could never be femme and that I'd regret it.

Saying that I'd always be hairy and that I'm a big gross man with gross thoughts.

I didn't choose to be 6'4, I didn't choose to be masc

I hate this shit so much and I don't know what to do, therapy is helping but it's only one hour and once a week and in-between those times I'm just rotting.

I can't escape the news either, it's infested my Tik Tok and every day I see something terrible, I live in a blue state but there's this feeling of impending doom.

My only solace right now is that soon I can get into my trade school and get on HRT.

But I'm struggling so hard to not repress and go full masc again, to not push everything down, there's a lot of shame and a mental block that prevents me from doing anything femme.

I Don't want to repress again, because I know if I can get through this and actually put it in the work I can come out on the other side feeling attracted to myself for once and feeling good.

But I also have my doubts

Anyways just needed to vent :/

So I'm a 23 AMAB and I've grown up with a lot of standards of what I should be put on me from other people.

Especially my abusive father and my judgemental mother who also often throughout my past pit me against the other since they are divorced.

I've been working with a gender therapist lately, but the one hour sessions a week only really help in the moment.

I have dysphoria, I don't like what I see in the mirror, I hate that I'm 6'4, hate that I'm super masculine and want the effects of estrogen.

I don't know if I would consider myself a trans woman and am leaning more non binary, because I still feel somewhat of a connection with my masc side but feel I would feel more at home being feminine in other elements especially my body type.

Idk, it's been a rough last few months lol.

This journey has sort of brought up a lot of things I was feeling in middle school too that I pushed down.

I have always had this sort of urge to be femme, to be soft, to not always be posturing and putting on a masculine exterior.

Being a guy feels competitive and I hate it, because I never asked to be competitive, never asked to be tall and never asked to have everyone be like "oh you should be a bouncer, you should be a marine"

That's not what I want bro dingle, I fuckin want to wear a dress and comfy clothes n shit.

This was sort of a rant, just had to get it out and I ain't got anyone to talk to about it rn lol.