u/EazyTimes8

I’m in my 30’s and have had nightmares almost every night since I was 12. The nightmares often involve people or “demons” trying to get me, being stranded alone in the ocean, forest or cave, and me doing something irreversibly bad at work or in my personal life.

I feel like the intensity and frequency of these nightmares have increased and I’m waking up several times a night on some days.

Do you think dreams/nightmares mean anything or is it just a collection of what you did or saw that day?

Anyone studied or researched this and have any insight?

At 18 I sought help for depression as I was struggling and applying maladaptive coping methods. The psychologist asked me a lot about my family, and I remember thinking “let’s move on from them and talk more about how/if I can get back to who I used to be”. I remember feeling very empty and emotionless, to the point that I wondered if I was capable of some basic human emotions.

During my 5th session (second last one that benefits covered), the psychologist asked me if I thought about PTSD. I hadn’t, and he said he couldn’t diagnose me so quickly but due to this being the second last session, he asked me to read up on it and talk about it on our next and last session. I read about it and couldn’t see a connection because I couldn’t think of major event that I was traumatized by.

I said this during our last session and he said PTSD can be from a prolonged experience of trauma and not just one single event. I honestly don’t think I listened because I could only think of PTSD as something a soldier returning from war might experience. But now I’m reading about CPTSD and I am starting to see a connection.

I can “fit in” society but have always felt different from others, almost like I’m wearing a mask every day. I still have nightmares, maybe 50% of the dreams I remember are intense, almost like I fall asleep and wake up in a horror movie. I love horror movies though, but maybe I just tell myself it’s not a big deal but deep down I know something is wrong.

Does anyone else feel like this? Has speaking to someone helped you?

As mentioned in the title, my 35yr old brother recently told me that he was diagnosed with autism after he and his wife took their 5yr old to a child psychologist. I don’t know much about autism but my brother is seeing a psychologist who mentioned that this is a fairly common way that adults with autism may discover they are autistic. He also told me he believes both of our parents may be autistic.

As kids, my brother and I did not get along, never really saw eye to eye and fought excessively, to the point that my parents brought us to a child psychologist when I was ~7 and him ~9. I have always felt like the “black sheep” because unlike my family, I did not follow rules and I approached life in a manner that I wanted to, not thinking much of what other’s think is the “right way” to live. My family all took a linear path and didn’t challenge the status quo. I also believe that I have high emotional intelligence and can understand people and social situations in a way that my family does not seem to be able to. As the younger brother I have found it odd that sometimes I felt like the “leader” in the group. An example would be Euro vacation where I often made the plans, spoke with the server about the order, introduced people to my family, all while being ~14.

My family seems to be high IQ, with my brother being extremely high achieving in academics - basically a mathematical genius lol. But, there is a deep sadness I feel my whole family has. I believe that my dad, brother and I have all struggled greatly with depression. This depression and comorbidity of mental illness had me think many things, but not autism. I think it’s because I have never thought much about autism, always thinking of personality and mood disorders to explain “unusual” behaviour. My mom, I always thought was “normal” but my brother, his wife, and my wife see her as excessively logical, so logical that she does not show emotions in almost any situation. She has never talked about feelings, how to deal with them, her father who passed away when I was very young, or really showed much emotion in general. I think this went past my radar because my other family member are pretty wild emotionally, so I think I viewed her as being stable, which she is. But now I think it’s actually very uncommon for someone, especially a mom, to show such little emotion.

Now I wonder if they’re all autistic? Depressed? Anxious? PTSD? A mix of factors?? I don’t know what I’m looking for on this post, has anyone felt like this or have any insight?

And also, why am I so unlike my family, I’m not sad about it but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I’m missing more clues that may be obvious to others.