u/EchoesInTheHallway

I am at a loss. I (50M) can strike up conversations with strangers but when the "what do you do?" question arises, admitting I am a MHT just shuts it all down. I have a full time non therapist day job, so I start with that which appears acceptable, but if I give out this piece of info, the silent treatment begins. I am a human that looks for connections like anyone else. I swear I am not analyzing, or maybe I am, but that is not all that bad. I try to keep the DSM closed. Has anyone else encountered this? Anyone looking for meaningful friendships?

I am not sure where to start. I feel like owning up to things, validation, providing apologies, etc., for a sin actually adds fuel to the fire for a menopausal SO. As if the story gets a new twist that I have to stack apologies for. For example, I told my SO that she was acting weird once. She was outraged and left. I apologized and assured her she was not acting weird. A year later, and with some rewrites, she brings up that I called her a name, stating that I said she is weird. This doesn't include the fifty or so times we have worked through this in the past. I used to reiterate over and over that I did not say she is weird and that I said "acting weird". I still apologized and owned it but remained firm that I did not call her a name. At some point I just agreed and apologized.

Also, the catch 22s, goal post shifting, and double binds are exhausting. It is so fucked up. I have begun looking for an escape route. I have had to reevaluate myself and return my self worth as it has been stripped from me. I am removing myself from the crucifix.

If your relationship can go from a 10 to a 1, is it worth sticking this out? She has dead eyes and somehow manages to be so cold with hot flashes. I won't say these things to her, obviously, so I came here to rant and understand if there is a light at the end of the tunnel or are the wounds so deep that the recovery is non-existent. HRT is off the table because "I'm the problem". I am not dismissing the severity of menopause. I am only curious if abusive behavior is a symptom.

Maybe I should get a dog.

Hello all. M(50) here....

My wife and I started dating when we were in our 40s. She was kind, sweet, caring, loving...an overall amazing person. A year or 2 passes and her periods get erratic and then end.

Ok ... It begins.

The hot flashes were a real battle for her. I gave her a remote way to adjust the thermostat right from her nightstand. I researched and purchased any "cooling" bedding products. I offered to buy one of those $10k cooling mattresses. Added booster fans, a whole house fan, added a ceiling fan, remote fans, and personal high powered handheld fans. I researched and bought different teas, supplements, foods, etc.

I understand how difficult it must be for you to go through this. I have seen the changes as it happens and the agony that comes with it, so I am very sorry that you are having to live life like nothing is wrong, day after day. This must be hard for everyone.

Back to why I am here. In my second sentence above, I used the word "was". She has turned, and although I am not perfect, I love her and usually have good intentions and I do my best. We now sleep apart and no matter how many times a day I turn a blind eye to what she says to me, she is creating narratives in her mind that honestly don't match reality in order to justify her emotions (as it seems). Typically what occurs is everything with us is ok. Then one day between morning and returning home from work, her mood has severely changed and whatever happened, I have a 50-50 chance of being involved and a 100% chance of the consequences. Then things go flat, and then I am receiving sarcasm and grey rocking. Then after pleading with her, I am told I said something at some point way before the sudden mood shift. This has occurred many times and most times I remember what happened and the story I get present day does not add up. The mental changes seem to outweigh the physical. I assumed that I could help and support in as many ways as possible with the physical when this started, but I was never prepared for the mental.

So I feel like divorce is nearing. By who, I am not sure. Has anyone lost a marriage or experienced relationship woes? Any advice on what I can do to help her and our marriage?