I find my self unblocked...
And the memories, confusion and anger come flooding back.
I have so many questions I need answers to, but none I'm willing to ask you.
Because after all this time, my thoughts are mine again. I don't want to risk that even though the peace I've built is shaky. It's still mine.
I try to imagine what I would say, what I could say, but it all goes the same way. The memory of you is tarnished by our history and your words. The way you slowly corroded my sense of self. Found glee in my pain and turned my world turtle.
I've finally learned on my side of the world, it was the right way up. You just had me looking at everything from your perspective.
But the time I've spent building my humble little life after years of pouring into you. It's not perfect, but it's mine.
Besides, it's taken this long to trust myself again, it would be impossible to trust anything you say.
Even if you did let go of this little bit of control.
Even if you did consciously find me and went through the process of unblocking me. Your still not brave enough to reach across the pond.
I can't help but to think you want something again, not that you're sorry or have regrets. I've broken my own heart enough times on this sub to know better.
If I was to guess, chasing status hasn't brought you the satisfaction you were expecting. Your new job, car and house. It's all as pretty as your lies but you still feel as small as a mouse. Living our future despite the absence of us.
But I can't complete you. Six years of pouring into your void until my cup was in debt wasn't enough. You still wanted validation more than you wanted to marry me.
And I doubt that has changed. That our seven years together was more than an inconvenient story you tell your peers to quell your fears.
So I'll ignore it. Like you ignored my effort, my love and my loyalty when you pushed the button that ignited what could have been.
And imploded us.
When you blocked me over a year ago and banished my angels from the snow.
That being said ... I'll always miss Chicago.