I confessed to crushing on my guy friend +2 years ago. He said he wasn’t interested in me, & we’ve stayed friends. my feelings haven’t changed, & I can’t tell if his have. Would it be totally weird to tell him that I still like him?
Similarly, how do you fall out of love with someone who doesn’t like you back?
Throughout my childhood & into my adulthood, I’ve been in a cycle. I get comfortable enough around someone to act weird (or ‘obnoxious,’ as I have often been called) -> I behave weird -> they get angry at me -> my brain associates anger with being yelled at & being hit -> I shut down & make myself as small & quiet as possible hoping I’ll be able to avoid their wrath -> I slowly come out of my shell -> I get comfortable around someone -> the cycle repeats.
It’s so painful on my end because the people around me will lash out or get mad about things that I’m not doing on purpose, which leads me to conclude that I must be the problem & everyone around me Is always mad at me for everything all the time.
I’m in the ‘shut down’ phase for the first time in years because of something that happened tonight. I feel like a scared little girl again, shaking & crying in a corner, all because I was comfortable enough to be too loud & weird for someone else. I was told stop & I apologized & I was told to never do it again, but in order for me to never be loud or weird again, I have to never get comfortable around anyone ever again.
I’m at the center of this cycle, & I know it. Am I the problem? How do I communicate to other people that my Autistic traits aren’t meant to be interrogative or obnoxious? Is there a name for what I’m experiencing? Please tell me I’m not alone in this 😭