u/EconomistIcy746

so i (16f) have been having a pretty bad gender ocd spike since mid april (tons of bs happened that completely blew it out of proportion & dormancy, including a stupid drunken 4-day-no-sleep adderall bender, i think this was a massive trigger), and not going to lie its been getting worse because #1 i only JUST started getting ocd help for the first time a few weeks ago and #2 i haven’t exactly been quitting compulsions… so anyway im losing it and i really tried today to resist doing compulsions (reassurance, rumination, mental reviewing, ‘solving’, checking, etc) and because i was super busy i generally did manage to resist somewhat, albeit with an assload of anxiety. i just got home and just when resisting compulsions and trying to just disengage with my thoughts finally started to pay off after hours of crushing anxiety, i had the thought, “why does accepting thoughts as a part of my space feel like i’m inviting my worst nightmare inside & complete self betrayal?” this feeling gets especially big when i try that method where you’re like “maybe x is true, maybe it means i’m completely wrong about myself” because all i can think is “but it’s not true!” and then feel immense anxiety like even repeating that exposure in my head will change me and make it real.

i guess my question is, why does simple acceptance of my thoughts feel like agreement? how do i move past this?
(and also for the love of god if you don’t really understand OCD don’t reply offering possible ‘reasons’ for this being my theme because last time my post reached people who didn’t really know what they were talking about and some comments totally triggered me. and actually even just typing this out is making me anxious because now i’m thinking, “why would they trigger me unless my fear is true?!?”… thanks brain love you too i’m logging off now.)

So i’ve been in a bad ocd spiral for over a month now, and unfortunately i am a compulsive reassurance-researcher, so i spend hours of my day on google. Spirituality isn’t a theme of mine, but still seeing stuff like “law of attraction” and manifestation scare the hell out of me because my brain immediately goes, “what if i have these thoughts so much and all the time that i internalize them and manifest them to be true?!” This also branches out to seeing stuff like angel numbers on the clock while having intrusive thoughts, or seeing a song title or quote that vaguely relates to my obsession and thinking, “what if this is the universe sending me signs that my fears are true?” Is this just magical thinking?

so i (f16) have pretty bad gender ocd that's been getting worse due to a ton of stressors and bs in my life (and even that in itself is an attack on something i love, being a woman is such a core part of me and i wouldn't change it for the world). anyway, just now i tried listening to my favorite band, soundgarden, and i can't even listen and enjoy it because all my stupid brain can think is, "what if you love this music so much because a man is singing and you secretly wanna be a man?" ITS SO STUPID 😭😭 music is everything to me i love rock with my whole heart im so annoyed this condition is even getting in the way of THAT. and to add to that i've been getting thoughts while playing my guitar (another thing i ❤️) like, "is this a masculine activity? what does that mean?" even though it so OBVIOUSLY is not a gendered activity!!! not any of the shit our brains make us worry about is rational... just a little venting lol im finally getting ocd help for the first time monday though so wish me luck 🍀