Grandpa on death bed
Just came across this page and damn, do I need some advice.
I could probably spend a full week explaining all the BS my family and I have endured because of my grandpa. He grew up in a bad home and was drafted into war as a young adult. It messed him up pretty badly, and unfortunately he made it everyone else’s problem.
Growing up, I learned very quickly how he expected people to act, and I acted accordingly. As I got older, though, I went through my own struggles and became what I guess you’d call a “troubled teen.” Nothing crazy, but it was the first time I wasn’t behaving exactly how he wanted me to.
He immediately stopped talking to me and started calling my mom to complain about me instead. That was 10 years ago, and we still haven’t spoken since. Keep in mind, he’s also my neighbor, which makes things even weirder.
I haven’t talked to him in a decade, but I recently found out he has severe dementia. It’s brought up a lot of complicated feelings. I lived with him for a while growing up, and he was always nearby. For a long time, he was someone I loved dearly.
But as I got older, I started recognizing how abusive so many of his behaviors really were. Something that always sticks with me is when I was 12, and I was in the ER as they were testing me for leukemia. My mom called my whole family to let everyone know and my grandpa wouldn’t answer, (he was mad at her and I for something this day I guess) so my mom left him a message. He never called back, got mad that my mom called even. Then, about 3 years later, my grandpa randomly starts talking to me about my health and was crying as he “felt so bad for me”. He’s so confusing and manipulative. Everyone in my family just apologizes when he gets upset, mainly because he has a lot of money and will “help you out” if you have what he deems “good behavior”, even when they have done absolutely nothing wrong. But I never felt like there was anything for me to apologize for and I don’t want any of his money, I feel like that just puts me under his control.
He’s hurt so many people. My grandma, my mom, my aunt, my cousins, I’m sure there’s a whole list of things he’s done to his wife that idk about too. My brother even struggles with a lot of the same mental health issues that my grandpa does. I’ve always refused to let him destroy my life and mental health the way he affected so many others.
But now it’s hard.
He’s dying. I’m told he’s really not doing well, and there probably isn’t much time left. If I talked to him now, he’d probably talk to me, mainly because he likely doesn’t remember why we stopped speaking in the first place. He may not even fully know who I am anymore.
I’m scared I’ll get older and regret never talking to him before he dies. At the same time, I’m not sure if talking to him would bring me peace or just reopen old wounds.
It’s hard to process, and even harder because I can’t land on one feeling.