u/Economy-Charity-9959

Like nearly every betrayed partner, I (F33) find myself falling down the rabbit hole of, "Why wasn't I enough?" I focus on what I didn't do in the relationship, what could have been better or different, and place some blame for the affair on myself. I wasn't physically or emotionally available for a while. I was deeply grieving after the unexpected loss of my best friend. Everything I've read, watched, or listened to, suggests that affairs are less about the betrayed partner or even the affair partner, and more about the wayward partner and something going on inside themselves (affairs as a painkiller, affairs as "escape" from pain, vulnerability, etc.). When did you realize the affair had nothing to do with you? What helped you realize this? Thank you in advance!

This is an odd question. I have been a high school teacher for the last seven years. I've noticed, at least for the last five or so years, that I gain ten to twelve pounds at the start of every school year - almost instantly! Over the summer, it disappears...only to return again as soon as I return to school. I teach summer school every year, but the hours are reduced and the schedule is lighter. I can't seem to shake this pattern despite trying to get 10,000 steps a day and eating relatively healthy. Has anyone else experienced this?

I feel like one of the deepest wounds in my marriage is that I genuinely don’t know whether my husband sees me clearly or secretly believes I’m “the problem.”

Brief background - My husband had an affair years ago that he hid from me for seven years. Since disclosure, he has admitted to lying, avoidance, manipulation, emotional immaturity, and poor communication skills. He finally started therapy recently after I begged for almost a year.

Not only is the betrayal an issue, but his family has always been a source of contention. I’ve felt subtly undermined, diminished, and emotionally unsafe with them for years. Leading up to his affair, while we were engaged, his family was a nightmare to deal with regarding our wedding. I was frequently met with, "I can't change them. If you don't like it or can't handle it, leave me" from my husband during that time. Although things have improved somewhat over the years with my husband being able to sometimes acknowledge the hurtful things his family says and does, sometimes when I bring things up, he minimizes, questions, or downplays my experience. He will say, "Did my mom really say that?" When we were both standing right there in front of her. I end up questioning my own reality.

At times during conflict, he has outright implied or said that I’m the issue when it comes to his family. Later, when calmer, he says he doesn’t really believe that and was just lashing out defensively.

I don’t even necessarily want him to confront his family because they are extremely reactive and his mother tends to become the victim. I’ve just started withdrawing and attending fewer events because I feel emotionally unprotected in the dynamic.

I think the hardest part is that I no longer know which version of him to believe:

- the one who says he understands my pain and knows his family can be hurtful

or

- the one who, under pressure, seems to frame me as difficult, dramatic, or the problem.

Has anyone else struggled with this kind of reality confusion and emotional invalidation?

My husband M35 and I F33 have been together since we were young, 15 years ago now, and looking back, there were dishonesty and boundary issues from the beginning that I minimized because I loved him and wanted to believe him. Early in our relationship, he continued talking to an ex and was involved with at least one other woman while denying it when I questioned him. I would find evidence of other women and he would give explanations I knew were not true. We were young, I wasn't perfect either, I wasn't looking for my "forever," so it felt easy to brush off.

While we were engaged several years later, he had an affair with a coworker. According to both of them, the physical affair lasted around two months and involved about seven meetups, including hotels. During that time, he lied constantly about where he was and what he was doing. The hardest part for me is that the lies were often framed as him doing “good” things such as helping coworkers, picking up shifts, seeing friends, work trips, etc. I would praise him for being hardworking or kind while he was actually seeing her. I suspected something was happening at the time, but he vehemently denied any wrongdoing when I asked him.

Leading up to the affair, our relationship was struggling. I had physically and emotionally pulled away for two main reasons: ongoing issues with his family, where he would basically tell me, “That’s just how they are. I can’t change them. If you don’t like it, leave me,” and the unexpected death of my best friend. I was grieving heavily and did not feel emotionally safe turning to him, so I kept most of my feelings inside. He was also struggling with depression and low self-worth at the time, but did not tell me.

What eventually brought all of this to light was a situation with a current coworker. I became uncomfortable with how frequently they were texting and messaging across social media. When I brought up my discomfort, he minimized it for months and continued communicating with her. Eventually, after I drew a hard line, he stopped talking to her and deleted her from social media. Around that time, I directly asked him again about whether anything inappropriate had ever happened with a coworker in the past, and that is when he finally admitted to the affair from years earlier. Even then, the truth came out slowly through trickle truth and inconsistencies.

He says the affair was not about love, but about validation, escapism, depression, and self-destruction. He describes it more like an addiction or "outlet" than a relationship. He admits he lacked communication skills, avoided vulnerability, and used lying as a coping mechanism. He says he would tell himself distorted things like I didn’t love him, that I was going to leave him eventually, or that he would be miserable anyway. He also admits he was manipulative and had “scripts” for what to say to people, including the affair partner and me.

What has been hardest for me is not only the affair, but everything after. He hid it from me for seven years, denied it when directly asked, allowed us to get married and buy a home wirhout me knowing the truth, and when it finally came out, there was a lot of trickle truth and inconsistency. I still struggle with feeling like I have never fully gotten straightforward reality from him.

Since disclosure, I’ve felt like I’ve carried most of the emotional labor. I begged him for almost a year to go to therapy before he finally agreed. He now admits he was selfish, immature, avoidant, and emotionally dishonest, but I still struggle with feeling emotionally alone and unprotected in the relationship. At this point, I think I’m grieving not only the affair itself, but the realization that dishonesty, avoidance, and self-sabotage may have existed throughout much of our relationship.

What would you do if you were me?

TLDR: Husband cheated while engaged, kept it secret for seven years, struggling to reconcile.

My husband and I have been together since we were young, and looking back, there were dishonesty and boundary issues from the beginning that I minimized because I loved him and wanted to believe him. Early in our relationship, he continued talking to an ex and was involved with at least one other woman while denying it when I questioned him. I would find evidence of other women and he would give explanations I knew were not true.

Years later, while we were engaged, he had an affair with a coworker. According to both of them, the physical affair lasted around two months and involved about seven meetups, including hotels. During that time, he lied constantly about where he was and what he was doing. The hardest part for me is that the lies were often framed as him doing “good” things such as helping coworkers, picking up shifts, seeing friends, work trips, etc. I would praise him for being hardworking or kind while he was actually seeing her.

Leading up to the affair, our relationship was struggling. I had physically and emotionally pulled away for two main reasons: ongoing issues with his family, where he would basically tell me, “That’s just how they are. I can’t change them. If you don’t like it, leave me,” and the unexpected death of my best friend. I was grieving heavily and did not feel emotionally safe turning to him, so I kept most of my feelings inside. He was also struggling with depression and low self-worth at the time, and I had no idea. He didn't communicate this to me.

What eventually brought all of this to light was a situation with a current coworker years later. I became uncomfortable with how frequently they were texting and messaging across social media. When I brought up my discomfort, he minimized it for months and continued communicating with her. Eventually, after I drew a hard line, he stopped talking to her and deleted her from social media. Around that time, I directly asked him again about whether anything inappropriate had ever happened with a coworker in the past, and that is when he finally admitted to the affair from years earlier. Even then, the truth came out slowly through trickle truth and inconsistencies.

He says the affair was not about love, but about validation, escapism, depression, and self-destruction. He describes it more like an addiction or "outlet" than a relationship. He admits he lacked communication skills, avoided vulnerability, and used lying as a coping mechanism. He says he would tell himself distorted things like I didn’t love him, that I was going to leave him eventually, or that he would be miserable anyway. He also admits he was manipulative and had “scripts” for what to say to people, including the affair partner and me. He claims he never stopped loving me, wanted me but I was unavailable, never had romantic feelings toward the affair partner, and that he felt worse after each encounter.

What has been hardest for me is not only the affair, but everything after. He hid it from me for seven years, denied it when directly asked, allowed us to get married and buy a home together, and when the affair finally came out, there was a lot of trickle truth and inconsistency. I still struggle with feeling like I have never fully gotten straightforward reality from him.

Since disclosure, I’ve felt like I’ve carried most of the emotional labor. I begged him for almost a year to go to therapy before he finally agreed. He now admits he was selfish, immature, avoidant, and emotionally dishonest, but I still struggle with feeling emotionally alone and unprotected in the relationship. We have great days together, and we truly get along well...unless this situation comes up. At this point, I think I’m grieving not only the affair itself, but the realization that dishonesty, avoidance, and self-sabotage may have existed throughout much of our relationship.