My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do?
I'll try and keep this as brief and concise as possible, but my head is all over the place, so im sorry if this post is a bit confusing.
My husband (33M) and I (30F) have been together since we were 16 and 18. We've spent almost half our lives together. We're married (currently separated) and have two children.
In August 2025, my husband lost the man who raised him—his stepfather. It completely shattered him. Looking back, I think it triggered some kind of midlife crisis or emotional breakdown. Not that it excuses anything, but it feels relevant to the story, since he then asked for a divorce, but we agreed to try and work on our relationship, since he wasn't fully sure if he wanted a divorce just to run away from everything or because he genuinely didn't love me anymore.
Then in November 2025, he started an affair with "the one that got away" from his past.
The problem is that I didn't know it was an affair.
For months, he told me they were just friends. That he wanted to reconnect because they were such good friends, and she was a big support for him in his teens, and he was curious where she ended up in life but it was all a lie. He lied repeatedly whenever I asked questions or expressed concerns. Meanwhile, he was buying her expensive flowers, buying sex toys for her, telling her he loved her, meeting her family, spending time building a relationship with her, and essentially living a double life.
At the same time, he was telling me he wanted to work on our marriage.
We were actively trying to fix things. We were talking about our problems, spending time together, and having a lot of sex. The entire time I thought we were reconnecting, he was also emotionally and physically involved with someone else.
So for months, he was effectively in a relationship with both of us.
That relationship ended a few days ago. He says he finally realized that I'm the person he wants, that he loves me, and that he wants to save our marriage for real this time. But understands if I need time or if I can't forgive him.
But I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
Part of me still loves him deeply. We've been together for 14 years. We have children together. We built an entire life together.
Another part of me feels completely broken by the deception. The affair hurts, but the lying hurts even more. Every time I look back at memories from the last several months, I wonder what was real and what wasn't.
I find myself obsessing over questions I can't answer. Did he love her the same way he loves me? Did he look at her the way he looks at me? Were all the things I thought were special between us also things he shared with her? Was our marriage ever enough for him during that time?
I don't know if reconciliation is possible after this level of betrayal, or if I'm only considering it because of our history and our children.
Has anyone been through something similar? Did you stay? Did you leave? And if you stayed, how did you ever start trusting again when the lies went on for so long?