being naturally skinny your entire life and how it’s made me have disordered thoughts
PS: I don’t think I have an eating disorder per say because my restriction and binging comes and goes. Some weeks I can be great and not think about food at all, some weeks i completely spiral and my weight decreases or increases.
Anyways, throughout my entire childhood I was incredibly underweight, i’ve always struggled with picky eating and I generally ate quite high calorie foods, but I was a child so i never really noticed my weight unless adults commented on it, and even then I never really listened.
Until I was a teenager and naturally through puberty I gained quite a bit of weight. Whilst I didn’t have any urges to restrict yet, I still noticed my jean sizes going up ect. My friends now always comment on how skinny I am, like all the time…
I think with the combination of dark places on the internet I accidentally stumbled upon and my friends commenting on it (they have no malicious intent, I think they struggle too and obviously since i’m skinny, they don’t think it affects me) it made me take notice on how much I eat and how much I exercise.
Then, it made me feel like being skinny was the only thing about me and the first thing people notice so I have to maintain it and get thinner and thinner especially since my face is not necessarily attractive. Since then, i’ve been in this viscous cycle of restricting and then binging and then having to do a certain amount of steps. I had a phase of purging but my teeth are already very decayed due to improper hygiene when I was a pre-teen and a LOT of sugar intake, so i scared myself out of it. I also feel like i’m just making myself have an ED, I shouldn’t even be thinking these disordered thoughts because I am naturally thin, and i shouldn’t ruin it. It’s the worst when i’m binging because it makes my identity so much worse, i’m a skinny girl why am I eating so much? Then, when I gain a couple of kg I have to restrict again.
For a couple of weeks, I had been doing really well until I started vaping and that suppressed my appetite which made me feel superior. I feel like i’m back to the skinny girl I should be. Sigh, i don’t know what this post was even meant to be. I’m happy i’ve always been thin don’t get me wrong, when i’m binging my bmi is still on the lower end it’s just tiring.