Just…rambles. Help me.
alright hey, hi, I think I’m a host of a system but I’m not sure. I think it’s possible I have some sort of OSDD but I don’t know.
because I’ve always dealt with a lot of derealization coupled with more frequent depersonalization.
im coming here just cause I want all kinds of input. this is all written from the perspective of the possible host
so I guess the earliest memory I have of this maybe being a thing was waking up one morning and realizing I couldn’t remember a THING I did for the past week, like someone blacked it out with sharpie marker. this is weird for me because I’m always doing something. I hate being bored and I know there should have been some memory of me doing something but there was none. I passed it off as it just being a one time weird experience and its whatever right?
then I had the worst panic attack episode I’ve ever had, this was my first experience with “hearing” a voice in my head, because those weren’t my thoughts, they weren’t thoughts I had felt in a long time and it was STRONG. afterwards I felt so far away from myself, i had control over my actions and everything but it felt like my body wasnt my own.
since this happened I’ve realized this happens a lot. where I’ll be walking around and I generally just feel…hollow. like this body is borrowed and I get this distinct feeling like Im inhabiting a life that should’ve never been mine.
and then another week went missing, where I could vaguely remember living it, but it didn’t feel like me.
and then I started to realize all the small things, the memory gaps, conversations I apparently wasn’t fully there for. amnesia for me is more like grey outs, blurry barriers where I wasn’t fully there for. I can VAUGELY recall them but I don’t know if I was really there. I never know until after the fact upon recalling.
and yet I still feel like I’m faking all of this, I’m an artist. I see the world through a different lens, I always have. what if I’m just digging up past personas that I happened to have to process emotions? I guess that’s also valid but that doesn’t make me multiple?
there’s more symptoms and I’ve obsessively analyzed everything I know multiple times. I have multiple sketches multiple diagrams trying to find holes in my logic but it’s not really logic, it’s the brain. a stupid mystery to us all!
I just. don’t want another reason for people to view me differently.
I don’t want another secret to keep.
I want to will it to go away.