48 and still need you
hey mommy, i know i was only 10 years old when you died, and even though my new stepdad raised me and baby sister, it's like a lot of my maturity was frozen in time. i tortured myself for not saying goodbye, and i became vulnerable to predators.
when i became a mom at 19, i tried so hard to do all the right things for her, even though things at home were so bad. i tried to be an independent grown up and i handled so much, but secretly i was afraid of him every day, and emotionally i was still stuck as a little girl, filled with guilt. and so very alone.
i don't know how to mend things with my oldest daughter. after so many years of the toxic relationship with her father, we both have a lot to heal. i don't need her to know how hard it was for me, i just want her to be OK, and feel loved, and know that i really am here for her for anything and forever. it breaks my heart that she feels like she was neglected and i let her down, i was honestly doing the best i could at that time. it was so, so hard, so lonely, and she deserves the best. all she remembers are the worst times, but i swear i gave and gave and gave. i was depleted. i know i'm rambling, but my heart aches for her, and for you, and what feels like a lifetime of loss.
i'm counting my blessings like my life and sanity depends on it. thank you for whispering in my ear when i'm at my worst. i wish you were here to hold me, dry my tears, rock me until my breathing slows, and give me the comfort that only a mother can.
i wish my own daughter would allow me to do this for her now. i'm terrified we will never get the chance.