This is Raven. She's 13.5 years old and a good big old lady. She loves pretzels, eating snow, and barking at cats. She's been really slowing down for about a year but yesterday and today she's been unable to walk so we made the appointment for tomorrow morning. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I wish this wasn't so fucking hard.
Just saw my ex on a dating app and it sent me into a spiral. I've been reflecting on how I haven't met anyone else in 3 years and how I'm likely too mentally ill to find anyone who would choose of their own accord to be around me. It doesn't help that I live in a very remote area. I feel like I missed my chance. I don't leave my house and the only human interaction I have regularly is with my parents. I've been withdrawing from online communities and discord servers. The effort that's required to socialize is too fucking much. I feel like it's better for everyone if I just fade myself out.
My siblings are constantly hanging out with friends they've made and kept over the years and I envy it so badly. They each have significant others and stable relationships. They're successful with their jobs and hobbies. My younger sister and her husband just bought the house that my ex and I lived in for 6 years but had to move out of after we split.
Sorry this post is a fucking mess I am exhausted and distressed and want to sink deep into the earth. I am so sick and tired of being in pain. I am so sick and tired of being alone. I am sick and tired of being the failure, the mentally ill one, the alcoholic, the let-down. I feel like everyone is just waiting for me to die. And I'm right there with them.
Got denied disability. Want to hurt myself. I'm so fucking exhausted lol. My mom keeps telling me that I should "just work" because "from here it will just get harder" and "why don't you just shower once a day? :)" when I'm having trouble showering more than once every couple of months. Idk if I can keep fucking doing this shit lol.