Just venting what’s been going through my mind lately.
Hello everyone, I’m not here asking for advice or anything, you’re all free to say whatever you want if you read this.
For the past year, I’ve been having some, horrendous thoughts regarding a guy name Jose Luis, that guy is my father. He’s a cheater, narcissistic fuck, and he was an absent father. He moved to the United States when I was a baby to work and provide, which is what he was supposed to do as a father. But while being in the U.S. he kept his acts cheating on my mom and actually using the money he was earning on his affairs, he has more kids, he beat my mom, even my elder brother up, every time he would come home he would spend more time with his now girlfriend and stepson that us, if I needed supplies for anything he’ll make a fuss but, the other kid, whatever he needed. I broke my fingers when I was 6, instead of actually trying to take care of it, he got mad at me because he had to spend extra money now on my X-rays and castings. Would come home drunk and break shit around. When the 08 or 09 recession happened he came back and lived under the same roof with us, instead of working he spent his savings drinking and not doing anything, my mom and brother had to work and my savings from my allowance were used too, then went back to the states and did the only good fucking thing I can credit him for, he got us the green card. 6 years ago I moved to Alaska with him, not to bond, to work and make my own money. We agreed to split the expenses, but every single time he tried to “apologize” for everything he would blame the ladies who had affairs with him instead of being accountable. A couple months ago he had to leave due to medical reasons, he even went to therapy and worked on himself apparently, my work has been slow and I’m not bringing much to the table but still I agreed to him leaving, when he came back he started making a fuss because he didn’t had no work for the business he opened, and even had the audacity to ask for money from him, to which I replied no, because he demanded all the money he spent when he got us the green card back, when I moved with him he demanded the plane ticket money back, the few months I didn’t worked when I moved in, he demanded his money back, he always brings the “you forget I’m your dad” argument and the other day I finally told him that I’ve never seen him as my dad, I’ve seen him as scum. We argued and even tried to start a fight with me, all the “work” he did in therapy went down the drain, I had therapy as well and I was told to try to understand him but… I can’t. I want him dead… I’ve even thought about doing the job myself many times, I won’t do it, I’m not going to throw my life for that but the thoughts are there, I know I’m not supposed to wish upon anyone but, to him I only wish him for the most painful and excruciating death possible, all those years of alcohol, drugs, affairs, putting me and my brother last on his priorities, the violence, the gaslighting every time I cried when I was a kid, the time I fell from my bike because he didn’t fix it and I ripped the skin of my elbow so bad you could see my bone just for him to say that I was a pussy, just for him years later to say “it made you strong” I was 7 for God’s sake, it got infected and I almost lost my left arm, which I’m left handed to make it worse. And many more things I went under his way of life. It’s too much to read, I don’t care. I felt like if i didn’t brought this out I would probably end up hurting him. I won’t, I won’t give him that. And if you’re a dad and you’re following that same path, double think about my guy, maybe your kid won’t have the same willingness to let you go if they are feeling the same as me, if you’re a son or daughter going through this… it’s not worth it, just do like me and vent in front of internet strangers. Have a blessed night or day everyone.